No more denial, time to get to work

[MRay]

I don't need special exercises to look pretty.

The above is an example of my changing attitude. When I was younger and originally attracted my wife I was a very confident, borderline cocky, person. I was 16, highly intelligent, and a star athlete, so of course I was. As I've aged (I'd say matured, but whatever), I've lost that cocky edge. Raising kids can do that to you. And grad school in my discipline can definitely humble you. I also noticed that I've developed some NGS. I've read a couple books on that and I'm putting an end to that. I don't want to be arrogant, but I do feel I need to get back that edge to get back to being me.

This isn't a change I want to make just for my wife, but it did just remind me of an interesting dynamic in all this. The OM does not have a confident edge to him at all. He's more like an even softer version of the nice guy version of me. Months ago when I first brought up my issues with their friendship she said something along the lines of "he wouldn't know what to do with me even if he could have me." W also pushed me to intimidate him whenever we were around each other, and she would make fun of him for being afraid of me. She both told me this and I read it in their texts months later. It's like she enjoyed emasculating OM at the time, and she would laugh about it at home. And now she's attracted to him? Just weird. I'm really not sure what to make of all that, but I do find it an interesting dynamic.

Looking back I know that it's part of her personality. She's a strong woman that has tried similar things with me, but I would respond by challenging her and showing her strength. Nothing close to violence or abuse, just playful stuff. This always attracted her in our good days and we would laugh, and good times would ensue. OM goes along with it and lets her dominate him and that's now attractive? Was she wanting to see me as a dominant male again? Or is she tired of having a dominant male challenge her authority and she wants a pushover to dominate? Who really knows? The best part of this analysis is I'm not really having an emotional response. I'm just curious.

Back to my original reason for posting. Yes, in-house separation is not fun. We are trying to minimize the effect on the kids while W "figures out what she wants." Emotionally it can be hell, but I'm learning to deal. I'm not sure if having the opportunity to show her the changes I am making is a good thing or a bad thing. It might be better to separate and have her learn just how good she had it with me. And seeing me only periodically might help her miss me. On the other hand she might start seeing that being with us isn't as bad as she has made it out to be in her head. I've taken as much pressure off her as I can while living together, but she puts a lot of pressure on herself. She lives a lot in her own head. I just don't know. I refuse to leave our home, and I don't think she would ever agree to leave either.