No more denial, time to get to work

[MRay]

Not much to update. It was just the kids and me Saturday night, so I got S3's hair cut, then we had dinner and watched a movie. Sunday I bought myself some new clothes, took myself out to lunch, got a haircut, took the kids to the park, and had a great day. W and I have been friendly. More like friendly roommates than actual friends.

W came home later than usual last night, and seemed really tired. S3 has been going to sleep with her in the middle of the night a lot recently. I used to be there to take him back to bed when he would try this, and she'd never know he was awake. Now she has to deal with him as I'm not there. I'm a very light sleeper, so I'd always wake up and deal with any issues with the kids and she usually wouldn't even know about them. Anyways, I told her what I made myself and the kids for dinner and she got herself some out of the fridge. I went to the kitchen to grab some water for S3 and noticed she was hunched over a bit and just seemed drained. I was behind her and rubbed her shoulders for a few seconds, and she didn't pull away in horror like she has every other time I've tried to touch her since BD. I don't know why I did it. I have been avoiding doing things like that recently, and plan to continue avoiding any physical contact. After this she was very upbeat in conversation and playing with the kids. She even insisted on helping me plan a lesson for one of my classes later this week (it's in her area of expertise, not mine). I don't initiate anything beyond talking about the kids or typical small talk between roommates.

Emotionally I was in a bad place Friday and Saturday, but didn't let her see that. I was just sad, especially after the movie Saturday. I turned that into anger that night and channeled it into a workout. Then Sunday I felt a lot better and I've been pretty even since. I feel like I've got a good attitude about life, and I'm learning how to channel my emotions better. I'm not saying I've successfully detached by any stretch of the imagination, but I feel like I'm making some strides. I'm starting to wonder why I would want to be with a woman that doesn't have the same values that I do anymore. I'm nowhere close to saying I don't want my M, but I definitely will need to see some positive work on her part if we are going to reconcile.