Can I really do this?

[sandi2]

BUT what is the best way to deal with this? I believe her friend is filling her head full of bad information which will come back to haunt her (and me as well).

Is this a female friend? Doesn't really matter, but women can be huge enablers. They can cause as much destruction as a romantic affair, IMHO.

She is convincing herself that our marriage was a farce, that no one was happy, she even used the phrase "you terrorized us".

This is an example what I meant by friends causing destruction. More than likely, this new friend is suggesting thoughts & ideas in the head of your W. Be sure that you tell your lawyer about this statement she made. You don't want trumped up charges. Have you told your W you have a lawyer? If not, don't volunteer.

Just looking for some thoughts on how to handle this friend that is kind of feeding into this "fantasy" my wife is trying to create. Now, please, before you chastise me for saying my wife leaving is just a fantasy I am referring to her totally blocking out the reality of this and how it is going to affect her

Chastise you? Honey, I wrote the book on fantasies! The only thing that will crumble those sand castles is the cold splash of reality.

These issues are all outside of the financial part with regard to just the essentials: Rent, food, car, health insurance (including co-pays and RX's which is a fairly high monthly payment when you add it all up), cable, cell phone, gas, etc.

Listen to me for a minute, okay? YOU are a lot more worried about how she'll survive, than she is worried about it. You don't need the stress......and there is not a darn thing you can do to stop this train wreck. Just get out of her way and allow reality to crash down around her. You have protected and provided for her all these years. You are used to being her rescuer.....but, she has fired you! Do you hear me? She has fired you from those responsibilities. When a person doesn't want to be saved, they will fight whoever gets in their way. To her, you are the #1 enemy. Hurts, doesn't it? Sure it does.......and you have a lot on your plate right now. You are a great father, and you've been a good H, but she has to experience something before she will back away from the fantasy. She has to see that it was nothing but sand castles, and realize what she was throwing away for a stupid fantasy. Unfortunately, the H cannot talk sense into her. He can't fix her.

I think she'll want you back, when she sees nobody is going to take care of her. While she's going through all the stuff and you are allowing reality to hit......you need to decide if you want a W who just wants you back b/c of what you provide. That's a decision only you can make. Maybe she'll realize that she loves you, IDK. But I seriously don't think it's going to happen until she starts experiencing the consequences of her choices. So, stop protecting her. I know, it's really, REALLY hard to have that kind of tough love. I have not used it in a M situation, but I have had to use it with my children. It's the hardest thing I've had to do. It hurts and it's scary, but sometimes, it's the only thing left to do b/c they won't listen and learn. They have to face consequences. You cannot reason with a person who doesn't have logical sense. ((hugs))

I am relieved to hear she was willing for D14 to have therapy. I still think you will need to lead in this situation, simply b/c your W is too self absorbed and is not making wise decisions for herself......so, how can you know she'll get behind this thing with D14 and get a therapist and see that D14 attends the sessions? You see, she may just take the advice of her friend.

I know believe nothing she says and only half of what she does so I am doing this. Really just concerned as to how I can make a difference with this other person so close to her. If this is even possible. Not giving up but am seeking help children right now.

When I was younger, I had a few friendships with other women where we spent most of the day on the phone, and talked about everything. I do mean everything! Women can have powerful influence over other women. It doesn't mean they are in any type of affair, but women friends can be very enabling. Now if this friend is a man........then yes, I think it can easily turn into an EA. I realize it doesn't have to be opposite genders to have an A, I'm just saying how female friends can influence her decisions.......and cause her to have fantasies apart from a romantic connection with that friend. A so-called man friend can cause her to think in terms of romantic fantasies that are attached to him.

I'm not sure how you mean to "get in front of the affair", but seriously......what can you do? What is the worst you can do? Maybe I should ask, what's the best you can do?