And I have to say, it's all depressingly familiar.
ILYBINILWY? I got that. Laundry list? Yes. I was stopping him from living the life he wanted to live and being happy. Even getting married had been a mistake apparently.
Separated October 2015 and he went pretty much openly straight into the arms of OW. Didn't really do anything at all to remove any of his belongings from my house. He just left with a suitcase and that was it. Everything left behind, passport, accounts, and post still coming to my house.
9 months later, in summer 2016, she's expecting his child.
He did nothing to sort D, I believe. I'm sure it was sorted by his mother.
As to examining his part in why our M went the way it did? I don't know if he's looked into it or not. My guess is no. He was very closed off in talking about his emotions (the difficult ones) during our M. He doesn't come from a family that talk openly about things, they have a pretty old-fashioned view of mental health, so I doubt that anyone wanted to open that can of worms with him.
As to individual counselling? I've had my fair share. I was actually going to counselling at the time it all blew up for some panic attacks I was having (I was taking an ex work colleague to court for a sexual crime). I was actually starting to feel a bit better, and then six weeks after the sentencing, October 2015 happened.
And XH? He'd never been to counselling. He blew hot and cold with regards going to counselling together in the run up to October 2015, but it was mostly cold. I guess he didn't want his A to come out.
No kids with XH, but from what I understand, you can only manage your own behaviour, and set an example to them through that.
My now partner was on the other side of an affair. They've now been D for 8(?) years. He had two children with his XW who where something like 11 and 13 when they separated.
He's very clearly made the biggest effort ever to behave in a fair and decent manner with the kids, in spite of her behaviour then (and occasionally now). And it shows in them. You could not meet two lovelier people...they are an absolute credit to the way that he has behaved throughout.
Anyway, he says that he can spot the lies and manipulation XW throws at him (still) a mile off. He just chooses not to react to it. That seems to be the way forward.
I developed a new mode of behaviour and a new motto during this whole thing: No action is an action; no reaction is a reaction.
