Wondering...I sometimes feel like I'm being held responsible for XH straying. It could be from society, that makes women responsible for all sorts of things. It could be from XH himself. I could be from his friends and/or family. It could be from industry colleagues. I don't know. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me feel somehow second best and less than, which makes me feel shame. And which diminishes me.
But how do I get away from that feeling and out of that mindset?
I don't feel like it's a good place for me to be, or a healthy place for me to be.
I've been working on positive visualisations for the things I want for myself and in my life. I've also been working on guided meditations, accepting love in particular.
I've come to understand that I find it much easier to give love than to accept it. But if you're like that then it means you're perhaps not letting someone give all the love that they want to give you? That energy is not flowing as freely as it could, as you're not letting it.
I feel that something that I've managed to do over this past while is to stop overthinking things and ruminating. So that's a bonus, for sure. I feel like I now have a lot more energy and it's forward moving energy. I feel like I can improve some more on this though, particularly if I tie it into accepting all the love and positivity someone else wants to give me.
Gosh, it really does feel like two years ago was a lifetime ago.
Two years ago I was going out with the heavy drinker. We were either just about to go away on a short break, or had just come back. I felt very crushed by his presence. And very disillusioned too. I remember feeling very disappointed when I first met him. We were the same age and he really looked his age. And it felt like he was reluctant to change. Not that I was hoping to change him, but it felt to me that he was set in his ways and wasn't interested in going on the journey of discovery I think I wanted to go on.
Actually, thinking back, I was already on that journey. And nothing is going to stop me being on that journey. I feel very lucky that I have now a companion that wants the same thing, and is very openminded as well. He's actually really embracing the whole thing. It's a beautiful thing to be close to.
Maybe I attracted that into my life without consciously knowing hat because it is something that is important to me? And something that I was already cultivating in my life?
So back to my question of not letting any of the responsibility, guilt or shame about XH's As into my life...
