Withdrawal, The Worst Stage Yet?

[Brubeck]

Hi Gerda,

I still have more questions than answers. I'm still learning about your sitch as it is 5 years old.

First, I'm glad to see such long posts of yours. I've been lurking for months and stopped posting about my sitch sometime in 2017 because I wanted to take a vacation from MLC land. I was always conscious of being short and to-the-point, but I ramble. I love all the detail you provide.

I'm sorry your H is so uncommunicative with your children. It's typical of MLC. I would categorize my W's attitude towards our sons as 10% joy, 10% rage and 80% indifference. That's just the path of MLC. Your H sounds no different.

I'm not sure what quite to make of your H's letters. I do agree with sjohns6 - who talks like that? However, you've implied that your H works in academia. If that's the case, they can speak and think differently sometimes, so I can understand the language. Maybe all his letters and formal and/or business correspondence sounds like that. However, I do notice the MLC pattern of jumping around topic. At least I see that with my own W, when I let her spew and I don't interrupt, she goes all over the place. There's a bit of that in his letters.

Also, I don't understand his bit about living in poverty and being humiliated and what not. Did you steer his career in the direction it's taken? If not, he's just projecting his failures on you. Remember, MLCers can't handle any pressure, and responsibility is definitely pressure to them.

5 years in MLC and still at home. Wow. I don't know how he's progressing at all. As you've read elsewhere I'm sure, MLCers can cycle between stages 2 - 5 repeatedly and sometimes all at once. They can do this over and over again for years. It sounds like the increased activity between your H and your children was a bit of tunnel peeking on his part, but indeed something sent him back into the tunnel. No one should take to mind-reading, but it's possible it was the financial fallout of finalizing the D that caused him to revert to monster again.

You asked about boundaries. Whatever you read here, it is always easier said than done. It requires strength, some bravery, even some acting. I support everyone's idea to treat the situation as a business deal gone sour. Disengage him when he monsters. Walk away. Remember - you are dealing with someone completely incapable of rational thought. MLCers wish to believe they are merely taking control of their lives for the first time ever, but what they are is utterly lost and drowning in a sea of overwhelming emotions that they couldn't explain to themselves if their life depended on it.

Keep it civil. Keep quiet. Maintain eye contact. Other LBSs will tell you to validate their feelings / complaints / criticisms. That's up to you. I can't do that when they are rewriting the M. My W has repeatedly made up stories to my face where I know she is imagining a type of marriage that didn't happen. I keep silent and let them ramble.

I also understand your avoidance. I am guilty of the same thing. I avoid my W as much as possible. Every time she walks into a room, I hope she's not looking to engage me in conversation, because she is only interested in fighting. That's all. Rage and blame and accusations and assumptions. Avoiding them feels like a cop out, but you know if you try to engage them, you are just wasting your time - they cannot hear anything you say.

Also, the more you remain silent and refuse to cooperate with their mania, the harder they try to upset you. Try as I have - be silent and maintain eye contact. Relax your facial muscles so you're not making a frown or furrowing your brow. I do this and my W just goes on and on. Bouncing from one topic to another. She rants and rants until she's blue in the face.

I'll re-read more of your sitch later. I just wanted to get this out of my head before I forgot. I was thinking about you and your H today. I'll post later to share other things I've recently read here.

Take time for yourself. You definitely need it.