Former WH, now LBS Please Help, close to Give Up

[betheoa]

Hi Sandi,

sorry that I have been late to respond.

Every time you wrote to me, i felt like, i am not alone and less confused/scared. But i understand, there is so many other folks that need help, further more i am not in constant panic mode anymore. So sandy i appreciate any word you and others wrote to me each time.

I did not write, last several days, because i was in internal roller coaster, i did not wanted to be like emotional Yo-Yo, so i step back, and observe my self and my WW, without doing nothing different than i already commit to do/not do.
Douse days, i use the time to read in the forum, i have red, red....and than red something more. It was very helpful, with dealing with my WW niceness and nastiness

Your W sees you watching her when she contact OM on her PC, yes? You said you did not leave the house b/c it would appear as if you are reacting. Do you feel she communicates with OM in front of you, to push your buttons and get a reaction?

Particulary, about this last time chat with OM, infront of me, there was not intentionaly. I was at place, where she was clear i am seeing OM start chat, so she has not choice, then answering. If i was in other room i think she will open other window on the PC, and will not chat. But that is this time. Last summor there was a times, when she purpusly wrote to him, just to chat and to be seen from me. Ther is a lot of history, when she do things to reach reaction from me, it depends from her emotional situation.
So answering of your question short:This time she do not did purposely, but she like very much push my buttons (when have discussion, and the things went, not in her way, she start threatening me about, how she have to found some other man to look after her, or she will have sex with the firs man she found ...and other thinks like this) in the past, year ago i was reacting and become very angry, now i just ignored or leaved with smile.

Your plan is "dropping the rope" or "letting her go" (both the same). You do not need to be concerned what she thinks. You do not have to stay in the house when she is disrespecting you by communicating with OM in front of you. Tell her she is a disrespectful W and you do not want to be with her

Now i let her go, but i am at stage Fake It Until Make It :), my behavior, what i show, haw i am look like is that i let her go (i hope i am pretty much objective about me). Mentally i have long road to go, to be "make it" let her go.

This last time when she aswering to him and chat a litlle, i was redy to go out, but was late, i tought it will be beeter to go sleep to fresh in the morning. What is done -is done, if there next time i will go out. This evening right after i went to bed, she came 5 min later.

Tell her you do not want her to share your bed. Tell her to sleep on the couch or in another room, b/c she is disrespectful.

This one will be hard. There was 2-3 times in the past after arguments, when i staid my point about OM or/and her behavior, and she ask in angry way to not sleep at same bed with her, i told her that i will sleep in my bed, and she can sleep where she wants. So now, i think is too late to do this, also it will be questioned by the kids as well - but i will think about it..i am not refusing anything.

Does this make sense to you? Have I confused you?

Sani i want to hug you, there is all sens possible. I red all of your treads here, as well as most of your coments in other thereads, i have red a lot here. So i know very cleare whot you wrote about, i understend this at emotional, psihological and bioligiacal level.
So No you are not confusing me, you keep me in right direction, and i am very great-full about it. What confuse me is my fight whit my fears, my NGS, My codependency and lo self esteem, i do not show this to anyone, but i am very clear where i am emotionally, spiritually and physically:).

Yes, you are dropping her, but you also show respect for yourself. You show her she is not fooling you with her game of being "friends" with OM.

Not any more, i will not be fulled.

So last several days, i was very calm, when we were at home i give her all space possible, we did together house work. I was not sad/angry or cold, but more like indifferent. I did not change my behavior when she was nice or nasty, she tried several time to gild trip me about my infidelity (in passive aggressive meaner, also to gild trip me about the money i earn - this is because i do not agreed to bay things for her even she did not ask, like before)

She is out of her skin because i refuse to buy another flat (new investment) as well as i told her i will leave when our other flat is ready. Every other day she talk about what investment we can do (all about for the kids), i listen her. I do not agree that we will do it, just listen. She asked me if this is possible, i answer yes it is possible physically, and did not comment anything more. It was not time to go in discussion what must be happened before i agree to do something like that with her - she already know what must be done - so i am not going to repeated my self any more - i was telling the same thing more than 2 years, it is enough.

2 days ago, when she uses my name in sweet why, i shut her down. In the past i was OK when she was telling me in this way, now i found that when she talk to others, and start to talk about me in not very respectful way, she use this name, also when we are together and she fell more easy with me, and felt little more bossy, she use this name. So i told her to not call me this name any more. later she ask why i ask this, i answer that i do not want she to call me with this name any more. Period.

I will write more tomorrow, i hope to have time.

Many hugs Sandi
P.S. in the morning i was very down, now i am Fine