No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

She has clearly lost attraction for you, and you aren't doing much to get it back, that I can see in your post. First of all, who calls the shots about what projects you do and when they are suppose to be completed? Is she giving you assignments or specific work chores to be done in a day or week?

I am very clear that she has lost attraction, and I certainly want to change what I'm doing to work toward getting it back. She does not give me any assignments or projects. She is not very interested in most of them. She might say she wants the yard to look nice, but she will not give me any specifics. I take it upon myself to turn the dirt into a lawn, make a dog potty area, landscape etc. She only cares if I don't finish and leave a mess. And she is appreciative when I do complete something, but has never demanded it. Occasionally, she may ask me to complete a specific chore that needs done, but overall I would not say she gives me orders or timelines. She mostly only communicates about chores if she is disappointed I neglected something and if she ever does have a request, she is quick to offer help.

In some parts of your post, you sound as if you whining about the yard work (although you said you took responsibility (whatever that means). I know you are young and have a lot to learn about MR, and I hope you'll get some education here. I don't know what your W is seeing when she comes home every day. I don't know how many hours per day is used getting your Masters degree. But I will tell a little of what I do know. If the woman is bringing home the bacon while her H is home.......it would be in his favor to show that he is doing his share of the work. Many W's lose attraction for the stay at home H........even if he's working on his education. I'm not saying she should not have anything to do. There needs to be balance. Otherwise, she is going to lose attraction and gain a lot of resentment. It takes love and maturity to deal with this type of situation.

I wasn't intending to whine about yard work; I don't mind it at all. I have been frustrated in the past when I felt she doesn't even give it a thought. It is not my designated duty to pick up the dog poop, but I am the only one that does it. There are many things like this. But, I am fully aware of the fact that my responsibility is much higher than hers since she works full-time and I am home. So, for the most part, I have no complaints. The issues you bring up are very valid, and they were definitely applicable, especially when we first moved here. Before we moved, we both worked full-time and shared house duties. I fully acknowledged that I would do a lot more once that changed (I think we agreed on something like 70% to 30%), but it was an adjustment. At first, she was frustrated if she didn't feel I did enough. She didn't seem to care at all about my schoolwork or anything else I did, only house chores. Some resentment probably built up. But, I recognized this last year and stepped up. Everyday, I tidy the house before she comes home. With three big dogs, vacuuming has to happen daily, including the couch and the bed. The dishes are done and the kitchen clean, always. In fact, no one comes to our house without commenting how clean it is. I know my W has high expectations and standards, but at this point in time I really feel I have learned how to meet them. She very rarely complains or questions my household duties anymore. I am certainly not perfect and I guess there is always more to do and better ways to cut down on wasted time, but I sacrifice my personal stuff more than the house because I know how important it is to her. I want to reiterate that you are completely right, though, and this used to be a big issue. Perhaps it could still be improved further.

Unless the two of you are very messy, this should not be too much to handle, and you'd still have time to devote to your studies, wouldn't you? You could cook every other night, and she could cook or pay for take out. . My point is that when she comes home from work, the only thing she should see undone is her own mess.

Your suggestions are great, and also help me to navigate it now that we are "separated". It's hard when I feel like most of the chores are my responsibility, but I am also not supposed to be bending over backwards for her anymore. I like your idea of continuing to take care of everything except what is explicitly hers.

Before you can expect her to respect you, you have to make sure you are handling your end of responsibilities.......instead of blaming or waiting on her to do it. Then if she starts chewing on you, there's no cowering down from you or acting as if she's your mother.

This makes sense. Basically, no matter how well I think I am doing now, I need to just turn it up another notch. Truly leave nothing open for her to criticize.

Yes, you have options that don't require you to lie. You can actually open your mouth and just say, "No".

I will try this.

It's called the nice guy syndrome. Read about it. And please read about male dominance in a MR.

Along with DR, I got a book on NGS. Sooo relatable, you are definitely right, it is me. I will also read further on male dominance in a MR. I am fully on board with the fact that this is a major source of the problem, I just need to make sure I learn how to fix it.

This shows how little she is attracted to you, by treating you like a little boy. All you have to do is tell her you are not her errand boy. You aren't her butler or maid. You aren't her employee. You aren't the dog to play fetch with her. I guarantee you that if she was sexually attracted and respected you like a man......everything would change. She'd be running up & down those stairs for you. But as it is, she's giving orders and you act like a submissive child. Your lack of male dominance is killing this MR.

I'm glad to hear you say this, because it reinforces my thinking that everything would be different. The question is, do you think that it is possible to turn it around? Once she has lost respect and attraction, is it extremely difficult to get back even if I reestablish male dominance?

First, do your research and read about male dominance in the MR. If you haven't read about NGS, get that also.

I will get to reading. Even from what I already read, I know this a pattern that will not stop until I figure out how to change. These problems recur in all my relationships, it is definitely something I need to deal with.