No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

My dear friend... your wife is having an affair. AND she is cake eating too. I finally understood what that means. Cake eating doesn't mean that the spouse is seriously hiding an affair and leading a double life. It means that the spouse wants to have complete freedom while retaining all of the support that LBS used to offer. (Except for sex. We're staff now.)

This is the main reason I struggled so much with whether I should stay in the house or leave. She wanted me to go, which would have eliminated most of her cake eating. I understand I should be able to remain in my home, and still prevent her from cake eating, but obviously it is much harder than if I just left. But, I'm working on it.

Sooo, this means there was trouble in paradise. Either they had a squabble or he was unavailable for a while. Your wife seems to be looking for a landing pad. She does not want to be alone. Alone leads to thoughts and feelings about oneself. I don't think your wife can handle that.

Spot on with this. Well, at least the part about her not being able to handle her own thoughts and feelings about herself. I know she doesn't know what she wants, is unhappy (which is not because of me despite her blame), and has no real direction. But she isn't dealing with it properly and is instead assuaging it with distraction. Ironically, she talks endlessly of wanting to be alone. She claims her paradise is living on an island by herself with her dogs. I don't know why she insists on convincing herself of this when it is so clearly untrue. She feels such pressure and obligation from everyone around her; she would be much better off working through her own codependency issues.

I will tell you this: she will only leave you if things work out with him. If not, then she will stay with you until she meets someone new and the cycle will start again.

I believe this. However, she tried to leave me before she could possibly know that. The thing that puzzles me is how or even if she actually thinks things could work with him. I mean it's almost impossible. Forget the age difference (does she know it will be two years before he can even go to a bar in the US?? this fact continues to blow my mind), forget the long distance and time zone issue; even if they were to somehow get together physically at the same duty station (big if), they would not be allowed to have a relationship. It's fraternization; she is an NCO, he is literally at the bottom. They work in the same career field. It's a no-go and she is a stickler for the rules, especially when it comes to her career.

I have no idea the extent of their "relationship" or if it even exists outside of her head.

You want her to admit to the affair and to make a choice to break it off and stay with you. You cannot make her do it. However, that is what you should be looking for.

Completely agree with this. I assume my best chances of making this happen are with DBing. I want her to make the conscious choice to choose me, rather than have it fizzle out and she just come back to her comfort zone. Like you said, the cycle will just repeat and I do not want to be along for that ride.

Don't you think that you validate her a little too much? Start telling her that you are busy.

Everything I read always talks endlessly about the importance of validation. I guess this isn't as applicable at this stage? This is part of the big, confusing dichotomy for me. How do I follow all these steps to be a better husband, while also detaching and letting go of that role? Part of my focus to be better just for myself is to be a better listener, communicator, and validator. This will help me in any future relationship, but it feels really blurry trying to incorporate it with a lot of the other DB techniques.

You need to be busy too. There is a reasonable yard state that you need to maintain for your dogs. Anything more than that - you're busy. She can do it herself or she can get her texting buddy to do it.

I agree. The busier, the better.

Why in God's name did you go!? Why? Your conversation should have ended at taxi. Learn to leave the room when you have made your point. Just walk away. If you're not busy, pretend you are. Done with your homework? Tell her you're working on the next assignment to get ahead because you have plans for next weekend.

I know, I totally failed. But next time I won't get caught in the same corner.

You're right. But you need to decide that you are done with acting this way. I hate the word "man up" and I do not believe in traditional gender roles. What I do believe is that no spouse should be reduced to the level of hired help. You need to grow a spine and that spine needs to stay there for the rest of your life. I'm not talking about growing hard - I'm talking about getting self-respect and knowing your worth and you, my friend, are worth more than this.

I understand and think "man up" is appropriate in this case. I spent so long thinking that being a good husband meant being willing to do anything for my wife. Thinking of ways to make her life easier everyday, all that stuff. I think the biggest problem with this is when it isn't reciprocated. The scales tip and then just go further and further out of balance until all respect is lost.

And this is why I tell you that it's an affair. It is also not a healthy attachment either. How is she supposed to perform at work?

Agree, wholeheartedly. It's irresponsible and horrifying. Definitely not healthy or normal.

It also seems to me like she is putting more into this relationship than he is or, at the very least, he is starting to create demands. They are now conforming to his time, not hers. And she's fine with it. I'm sorry, but I do think that she is obsessed with this man. Do I believe that it will fizzle out? Yeah. But it will take much longer than you might think.

I am so glad you said this, because I had very similar thoughts when I was mulling it over yesterday. Believe it or not, I have been down this road she is on (albeit, back when I was very young and single). I met someone who was a lot older than me (very similar to W's situation but roles reversed) and became completely infatuated. She worked on ships and was always some different place in the world. I would stay up all hours texting her; anything to get my fix. The point is, I know firsthand the level of obsession required to keep this kind of behavior up. I tried to think it through and work out another possibility, but there just isn't one.

Now, the parallel to my situation is that I was the one who was staying up all night, just like my W. Like you said, it is very clear there is a one-sided dimension to whatever is going on. In my case, the girl never had any intention of having any kind of real relationship with me. I was a toy, more or less. I also don't really see how we could have kept it up if we didn't have a planned date where we would meet in person again, no matter what level of infatuation cloud I was on. The entire thing was fueled by the anticipation of when we would see each other. And, of course, once we did, it ended.

So, that's the confusing part about my W's situation. She may have some planned rendezvous, but I seriously have my doubts. Somehow, I wouldn't be surprised if the guy isn't wondering why the heck she keeps texting him so much (I'm being a bit hyperbolic here, obviously that isn't logical). But, I've met him many times, we've shared several meals and drinks. He's been to our house to hang out. He is fully aware my W is married and I never once got the vibe that he was interested. In fact, he was dating a local girl while he was here. He's just a kid wanting to live his life. Why would he want to get tangled up in this mess? The whole thing is just very bizarre.

You are probably right that I am too hopeful it will fizzle out sooner rather than later.