Help evaluating LRT progress

[44tries]

How old are the two of you, if you don't mind me asking?

We are both 26.

I want to feel clean. That's what I want. I want to come through this and feel clean.

I totally get this. I think this is the sign you are losing your respect for him and he is no longer the person you thought he was. This is something that is hard for me as well, because of course we don't want to lose that person and I also wonder/worry if I will ever be able to feel the way I did again, if things were to ever recon. Am I holding on to hope for a marriage with someone that no longer exists? The answer is inevitably yes, I think, but I guess we are always changing and if you are going to have a successful marriage long-term, a big part of that is acknowledging that your spouse won't be the same person you married or even the same person they are today. I think you can feel clean. It's his dirt, not yours. And all your efforts now are detaching from him and that dirt. If you ever recon, it will have to be after he gets clean again too.

I wouldn't necessarily call it "innocuous." This can still lead to a whole lot of trouble - heck, it already has.

100%. I definitely don't think it's innocuous, I only meant relative to other possibilities. But you're right, ultimately it's still devastating, no way around that.

This insanity is him and him alone. I am not responsible for his affair. He did not "trade up." This whole thing is insane, irrational, and sick.

Exactly. He chose his actions and has made his own bed, which certainly doesn't look like it's going to turn out to be very comfortable. I definitely wouldn't look at it like he thought he could do better and decided to leave you for greener pastures. Whatever is going on has absolutely nothing to do with you; it's all on him and frankly will be his loss.

Do you think you will look at her the same way if she sleeps with him?

I have thought about this and have not discounted the possibility that she already has (on the one night she went away). I would love to believe that she would never do that and that she at least had the courtesy to come back and break-up with me before going down that road, but I can't quite work out the logic. Normally, I would assume that if someone were to walk away from their marriage and stable life, they would do so with some amount of security in their future with the OP. I can't really figure out why she didn't just begin her texting A in secret and cake eat until she wanted to get more serious about it (NOT that I would have preferred this, but it makes more sense to me). It just seems so sudden and nonsensical. Anyway, no I don't think I could look at her the same way. That doesn't mean I absolutely 100% could never have any future relationship with her, but it would probably need to involve a lot of remorse and change in her as well as myself.

I suspect that I can forgive him an affair that does not lead to any unintended consequences. But what will it take for me to trust him again? What will it take for me to be able to have sex with him again? Even if he breaks it off with her and makes an attempt to reconcile, I cannot imagine that he would truly put in the work he needs to put in and make up for everything he has put me through, both recently and last year.

This exactly. I know I have the capacity to forgive, but I already struggled with trust. If she continues the A and even if it got to the point of physical consummation in the future, I could probably get back to a place of trust if she did a 180 and like you said, truly put the work in. But, if I found out she cheated on me on that trip, before any talk with me, and especially after I gave her SO much trust that week when she explicitly expressed her need for space and freedom...that betrayal would run deep. I would probably need to put in some serious work to trust anyone again, much less her.

I deserve more.

You absolutely do. Don't forget it.

Well, for all we know, she is looking to marry an officer and this is her best shot. I am not going to underestimate her. It takes a certain level of creep to enter this situation in the first place. Tell me, would you do what she's doing, even if you only got the revised history version that my husband is currently feeding her? I know that I would not.

Nope. No way. And definitely not within a week of your so-called separation.

Also, had he given me even a fraction of the attention that he now gives her, I would not have complained about a single thing.

This is the most frustrating piece of the equation. I think in most affairs, if only the WAS had dedicated that time and energy to their marriage, things could have been so much different. That's what makes it so repulsive to me. I understand being unhappy and not wanting to be trapped forever. But there is no excuse to not do it the right way. Put in the time and effort, exhaust all your resources, and if you truly feel it is beyond repair, walk away knowing you did everything and wait until the chapter is closed before pursuing someone else. If you are going to break the commitment of marriage, at least that much is owed.

I guess that hurts. But part of me also sees this as incredibly irresponsible. He's there to work, not text. It is one thing to "steal moments" but it is a whole other game when all you do is text at work. And what will happen when he deploys? Will he be texting her during work hours? Or maybe all night long, since they will have a huge time difference? There are people who depend on him doing his job and doing it well. Honestly, I'm a little disgusted and horribly disappointed.

Trust me, I know the feeling. It hurts to know they turned and gave all that you wanted to someone else when the going got tough. But, the irresponsibility is another level. To me, that's the signal there is something wrong and the relationship can't last. I understand feeling giddy in the beginning and being in the infatuation stage, but if you are letting it interfere with your life to that extent, it's not a healthy interaction.