No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[sandi2]

She has clearly lost attraction for you, and you aren't doing much to get it back, that I can see in your post. First of all, who calls the shots about what projects you do and when they are suppose to be completed? Is she giving you assignments or specific work chores to be done in a day or week?

In some parts of your post, you sound as if you whining about the yard work (although you said you took responsibility (whatever that means). I know you are young and have a lot to learn about MR, and I hope you'll get some education here. I don't know what your W is seeing when she comes home every day. I don't know how many hours per day is used getting your Masters degree. But I will tell a little of what I do know. If the woman is bringing home the bacon while her H is home.......it would be in his favor to show that he is doing his share of the work. Many W's lose attraction for the stay at home H........even if he's working on his education. I'm not saying she should not have anything to do. There needs to be balance. Otherwise, she is going to lose attraction and gain a lot of resentment. It takes love and maturity to deal with this type of situation.

My suggestion is that you take care of the outside, including the dog poop, and take care of the upkeep of the car. Take care of your own clothes and picking up after yourself, etc. Don't let the dirty dishes pile up, make your bed up every day. I've learned if you do things as you go, it's not a big deal. It's letting it go till later that gets to be a time consuming job. Like, throwing clothes in the hamper or hanging them up.......instead of tossing them on a chair or whatever. Every morning, walk through the house with a container gathering papers or trash that need to be thrown away......or picking up items left out of place. Run a vacuum over the floors once a week. Leave her room alone. If you have separate bathrooms, leave hers alone and just clean yours. Unless the two of you are very messy, this should not be too much to handle, and you'd still have time to devote to your studies, wouldn't you? You could cook every other night, and she could cook or pay for take out. . My point is that when she comes home from work, the only thing she should see undone is her own mess.

Before you can expect her to respect you, you have to make sure you are handling your end of responsibilities.......instead of blaming or waiting on her to do it. Then if she starts chewing on you, there's no cowering down from you or acting as if she's your mother.

She had already gotten the intel that I was available, so I couldn't lie and say I was busy. Is flat out refusal the best option?

Yes, you have options that don't require you to lie. You can actually open your mouth and just say, "No".

I am continually faced with these moments where she is just so expectant. I will be sitting in the office working, while she is upstairs, and she will call down something like "can you bring me my iPad from the kitchen?" Uh, sure, I guess I can stop what I'm doing, get up, and fetch your things, when you are just as capable. She has always made these type of requests and before I never really minded (maybe this is part of the problem?). But now, I can't understand how she thinks it is still acceptable. Do I need to sit down and have a specific talk about it? Clearly I need to learn how to say no, but for some reason it is easier said than done. It is already so ingrained in the status quo.

It's called the nice guy syndrome. Read about it. And please read about male dominance in a MR.

This shows how little she is attracted to you, by treating you like a little boy. All you have to do is tell her you are not her errand boy. You aren't her butler or maid. You aren't her employee. You aren't the dog to play fetch with her. I guarantee you that if she was sexually attracted and respected you like a man......everything would change. She'd be running up & down those stairs for you. But as it is, she's giving orders and you act like a submissive child. Your lack of male dominance is killing this MR.

But, and I'm not sure if she has thought about this, it is very easy to see when she is online or when she was last. The past few nights, I have woken up at various odd hours (probably subconsciously thinking about it) and can see that she is online or has been recently

So what? If you can't even open your mouth to tell the woman that you won't run up & down the stairs.........what are you going to do about her texting some other guy? Nothing, that's what! Furthermore, she knows you'll do nothing.

First, do your research and read about male dominance in the MR. If you haven't read about NGS, get that also.