Help evaluating LRT progress

[Olya]

What I do know is it's a 19-yr old.

How old are the two of you, if you don't mind me asking?

So, let me say that I know exactly how you felt when you realized your trusted partner in marriage is pursuing things with a 21-yr old. At first, it's unbelievable. Then, it's laughable.

Honestly, it feels so... gross. I feel like I will never get clean no matter how long I shower and scrub myself. I am beginning to see him as dirty inside and out and I don't want any of that contamination on me.

I want to feel clean. That's what I want. I want to come through this and feel clean.

You are right, though, there is something very relieving about it. It isn't a real threat. I guess if I had to choose some situation where my wife was having an A, it couldn't really get more innocuous than this.

I wouldn't necessarily call it "innocuous." This can still lead to a whole lot of trouble - heck, it already has.

The relief comes from knowing that this is 100% not me.

Oh, I have my faults enough! I can be demanding, short-tempered, OCD about certain things, emotional and needy, and I have this ingrained need to fix things. I never hid these things from him - he knew who I was when he married me. And I was willing to do better. I wanted us to work on the relationship.

This insanity is him and him alone. I am not responsible for his affair. He did not "trade up." This whole thing is insane, irrational, and sick.

I also feel similarly to you about what I want. I want the ludicrous fantasy bubble and anyone involved in it gone. I can get past the A (or whatever it is, in my case), but there is a line when it comes to pregnancy/STDs. Practicality aside, I just don't think I could ever look at my W the same if she truly threw that much sanity and reason out the window.

Do you think you will look at her the same way if she sleeps with him?

I suspect that I can forgive him an affair that does not lead to any unintended consequences. But what will it take for me to trust him again? What will it take for me to be able to have sex with him again? Even if he breaks it off with her and makes an attempt to reconcile, I cannot imagine that he would truly put in the work he needs to put in and make up for everything he has put me through, both recently and last year.

I deserve more.

There is no way his relationship lasts; as I said before, I'd bet it's done before the deployment is up. I can't even imagine the girl waiting around for him, given what she has proven about herself already.

Well, for all we know, she is looking to marry an officer and this is her best shot. I am not going to underestimate her. It takes a certain level of creep to enter this situation in the first place. Tell me, would you do what she's doing, even if you only got the revised history version that my husband is currently feeding her? I know that I would not.

No, I suspect that the girl is a gold digger and will try to get pregnant from their little interlude. And even if she gets "lonely" while he's away, what would stop her from sleeping around? He'd never find out. Hell, she may already be pregnant and will claim that the child is his.

No, I am preparing for the absolute worst.

How is it that we are two attractive, capable, intelligent people and our spouses have chosen to go down these paths of incredulous nonsense? After everything we do for them and all the stability we have to offer, why are they so willing to throw it all away to chase some fantasy? Because we are no longer "fun"?

Because we have been doormats, dear. I have spent 9 years of my life putting him above everything else. This is what I got in return.

He plans to take her and the other friends that are coming (if they will come) to all the places that he and I used to go just a couple of months ago.

Also, had he given me even a fraction of the attention that he now gives her, I would not have complained about a single thing.

See, when I asked him to keep in touch with me more when I'm away at school, he told me that he is too tired, too busy, and does not text while at work. Well, I checked, and he is currently texting her at the rate of about 1 text every 2 minutes or so. All day long. And yes, during work hours.

I guess that hurts. But part of me also sees this as incredibly irresponsible. He's there to work, not text. It is one thing to "steal moments" but it is a whole other game when all you do is text at work. And what will happen when he deploys? Will he be texting her during work hours? Or maybe all night long, since they will have a huge time difference? There are people who depend on him doing his job and doing it well. Honestly, I'm a little disgusted and horribly disappointed.

I'm certainly not pulling you into my boat, but since our situations have a lot of similarities and your quote really resonated with me, maybe it's something to think about.

No, I think you're right... and I have a lot to think about.