Still treading water

[Gerda]

Having been in this journey for over five years, I see your impatience as something that is enslaving you. She is your wife, who you intended to marry until death parted you; so why can't you just let her go for a year? If she was in the military and left for a year and you couldn't even get letters from her or express your feelings in letters, would you divorce her? I know that the GAL thing is hard to do but under any circumstance, it's your only choice and it will help you stop noticing everything she does and says. But having lived through this for a long time, my advice is to stop trying to do anything. Accept that she is gone. If you have to, write one note explaining that you'll be here if she ever decides to come back and you respect her choice. And then detach. I detached all these years only half way,I think, and now I have to start all over again. Just let her go. find out what it means to be alone and even to be celibate for a season. There are other things that make you who you are, let those bear fruit. I assure you that it's going to change you for the better to choose solitude not as a victim but with conviction. I am getting tired too, but living through something much worse. But even if your sitch gets worse, all the more reason to practice this. The constantly being on her phone also gives me pause; in my experience in my M and with other M's I know of, that doesn't bode so well. Say, I am going to give myself six months to just be alone and discover who I am, and take more time alone and create a safe spot in your house that you can be when you need to not deal with the hurt, some kind of man cave that you really enjoy. Maybe when the six months are up, you can add another six months. Anyway, sending you a ton of strength and love and encouragement to be very patient.