No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

Don't worry, Olya. Not letting my guard down anytime soon.

Thank you Amoafwl, for your encouragement. I am learning! I think I have internalized all of the logic of DB, now it's just a matter of forcing myself to apply it. It gets easier and easier and it feels good to know I'm making strides. Now you can feel free to smack me for whatever you need to in my update from the past couple days:


Friday dinner plans were cancelled because of uncertainty over W's work schedule. Instead, she moved the reservation to lunch and we went just the two of us. We had a great day; the restaurant was fantastic and one she had been wanting me to try for a while. It almost felt like a normal date. Best of all, she didn't text once during the whole outing! We went home in the evening and watched movies and ordered takeout (cooking has essentially stopped in this household due to W throwing up her hands at responsibility and my refusal to pick up the slack). Overall, I was feeling very positive and everything was very natural up until it was time for bed and we retreated to separate rooms.

Yesterday wasn't so great. I GAL'ed for the first half of the day and then W wanted my help with some yard work we had been neglecting. It was hard work and she made a lot of critical comments about how a lot of it was caused by me not finishing projects (okay, yeah like when I'm the only one that picks up dog poop because I need to mow the lawn and I sometimes leave the bags on the patio). I tried to validate her frustration, didn't argue, and took responsibility. But, this was one of those moments where I feel like I am "cowering down" and I'm not sure what to do about it (more of those to come). She also wanted to throw a bunch of stuff away that I could have repurposed, but I didn't fight it because I guess I don't care about doing any of that stuff now. It was hard to work through the comments about "when she moves out of the house" and other vague references to the fact that I will somehow be magically disappearing in the near future.

Then the day just got worse. She told me in the afternoon she "might be going out tonight". "Cool". She asks me if I'm going out tonight (she seems to understand I have a life now at least). "No, I'm not planning to." Well, she went to take a nap and asked me to wake her up at 8pm so she could get ready. I said okay and went about my business tackling my messy closet.

I woke her up and she came into the bedroom to get dressed and then basically told me she didn't want me to come with her, but she didn't have a DD. She said she didn't want to feel suffocated and was worried the more we hang out the more frustrated she will get. I was pretty insulted, but this is par for the course at this point; I just said no problem I won't come (not that I was ever planning to). "Well then I guess I have to take a taxi..." Now, the taxi costs around $120. She had no real intention of taking it. I told her, "I guess these are just the choices you are going to have to make." Looks like her independence was becoming inconvenient again. She grudgingly told me I could come. What an honor.

So, I went. I know, and I knew, that this was the wrong move, but this was a DB battle I just flat out lost. The night was fine and I essentially tried to make myself invisible and not bother her (O don't worry I'm well aware of the pathetic-ness of that statement). She said she had a good time and thanked me for driving. But, man I want my balls back! What was I supposed to do? She had already gotten the intel that I was available, so I couldn't lie and say I was busy. Is flat out refusal the best option?

I am continually faced with these moments where she is just so expectant. I will be sitting in the office working, while she is upstairs, and she will call down something like "can you bring me my iPad from the kitchen?" Uh, sure, I guess I can stop what I'm doing, get up, and fetch your things, when you are just as capable. She has always made these type of requests and before I never really minded (maybe this is part of the problem?). But now, I can't understand how she thinks it is still acceptable. Do I need to sit down and have a specific talk about it? Clearly I need to learn how to say no, but for some reason it is easier said than done. It is already so ingrained in the status quo.

Overall, I still have a lot of work to do. But I'm not letting the bad days discourage me.

Small update on her texting/EA/"just talking to friends" situation. She has greatly reduced the amount of texting she does during the day. However, I am rather concerned/horrified to find that she texts all night! (Remember they are on very different time zones). This is the extent of "snooping" I have done if you even want to call it that. But, and I'm not sure if she has thought about this, it is very easy to see when she is online or when she was last. The past few nights, I have woken up at various odd hours (probably subconsciously thinking about it) and can see that she is online or has been recently. I am baffled as to how she even sleeps. I'm talking 3am, 4am, 5am, etc. Something is definitely not right. Part of me wonders if this is why she insisted on sleeping in separate rooms. But, I'm trying not to get too hung up on it; I am letting go and have no reason to care. I don't think it's sustainable and it will likely run its course anyway.