Responsibility, Logic & Underreacting

[psluke]

Good Morning PIB,

I am glad it made you happy that I was out. It made me feel better also. But I had to be ready, emotionally the past few days I wasn't at that point.

No, I haven't printed the list out yet. But I wasn't at a point where I was doing anything the past few days. Going home and crying and cuddling the shelties.

I haven't cleaned really since before Jonah got sick. Because while he was sick I didn't want him following me around and using his air and energy and since then I just haven't really felt like it. I do think it is bothering me the way it looks now though.

I did brush the kids teeth last night. Actually Breeze woke me at 4:30 this morning and had to go outside. Then when she came in I had to spray her off in the tub. I'm not sure what is upsetting her system but need to figure it out.

I probably will either go get the forms to sign to file our taxes or work on the house tonight some, or maybe get both done.

What difference can you tell taking the Multi-B Complex?

I do take it but not sure I can tell a difference. I take a Multi-B Complex, Vitamine C, and a Multi Vitamin daily. David used to as well because I always got his out when got mine out. He says he still takes them off and on.

Thank you for the hugs and thinking of me.

[psluke]

So I am fighting ASSuming that CHL is in such a good mood because our D is almost final.

He has been joking and chatting more, may come over this weekend to see the kids. I mentioned if he did come would he want to see about getting the van started and take them to McDonald's, he said ok.

I am trying to distance a bit more for me. So I do not have IM on today, which is why I wished him good morning and good luck on the CTS thread this morning.

I think I have been chatting too much, but usually not unless he responds, he just seems to have been more chatty lately. Chatty isn't a word you can really apply to him, but I hope you know what I'm trying to say here.

I am trying to just enjoy his friendship, which is how it feels sort of right now, without focusing on the ending of our marriage next week.

[Phoenix_In_Bloom]

Pam,

I am 99.9% positive that the reason Mr. Cool is being so chatty is because of:

I am trying to distance a bit more for me. So I do not
have IM on today.


AND

I am trying to just enjoy his friendship, which is how
it feels sort of right now, without focusing on the
ending of our marriage next week.

Good Job my friend!

You have found that doing these things have positive results!

Hugs.

[psluke]

Mostly he was more chatty still responding to me. But sometimes he would keep sending messages, like I had opened a floodgate or something.

Sometimes I just sat and let them come. Nothing like I can do but several in a row sometimes for him. All talking about work unless he was making a joke. But it was nice just to talk like I was talking with a friend again.

I hope we don't lose our friendship.

I just have IM off today so I don't keep chatting, in case he was just feeling he had to respond so I didn't get upset.

[psluke]

I must be feeling better because I am bored and restless this afternoon.

It is raining all day here again and those are always such dreary days.

[sage]

Oh my goodness...

is my computer acting up or did you delete a post that articulated OH SO MUCH?

Pam, your post was filled with wonder. It talked about you recognizing your tendancy to personalize (I'm there with you girlfriend!) but in an accepting way. It talked about the merits of DB'ing now, today, tomorrow regardless of where the D-action stands, etc.

Your post was truly wonderful and if I'd been FASTER I would have had a chance to quote it.

PLEASE consider reposting.

Sage

[psluke]

So I decided it was good time to catch up on Betsey's thread, but I found it rather depressing reading.

I believe that is because I see myself in a lot of the posts. A part of that is probably true and a part my tendency to personalize things which I am working on.

I guess the thing that really hit was the post about no hope for saving marriages and within week or month being divorced, which is where I am at. On the other hand I think the dbing has majorly improved me and my relationship with my h, with a possibility of a peaceful ending and maybe a friendship to continue. I don't know if I can manage the friendship if he marries my ex friend, but we'll see what happens.

Hmmm..Just writing this out has made me feel better.

That was luck Sage that I still had it and yes I had deleted it, just wasn't sure it said anything.

[sage]

That was luck Sage that I still had it and yes I had deleted it, just wasn't sure it said anything.

Oh, friend, it says volumes.

Sage

[psluke]

Part of the lyrics from Tightrope by Bob Seger

Welcome to the tightrope
Between memory and pain

Welcome to the tightrope
Between the freedom and the chain

Welcome to the tightrope
Stretched high above the street

Welcome to the tightrope
It's right beneath your feet

Once you learn to balance truth and sorrow
You can worry about the rest tomorrow


I feel like I am on a tightrope right now doing a balancing act between holding myself together or losing it totally.

I want to do no more crazymaking and assuming thinking in my life, but I know I have a lot more work to do to get to that point in my life, if I ever do.

I want to convince myself that there is going to be a life worth living once this divorce goes through.

I believe if I still had one of my hobbies that I would be better off. I do own that it is my choice to no longer participate in the dog activities. A variety of reasons.

1. I don't want to see CHL and J together.

2. I don't want to see ex friends J or D regardless of rather CHL is there or not.

3. There are lots of memories associated with the dog shows. The good times my friends and I have had over 10 plus years of traveling and showing together. The good times CHL and I had going to shows together. Then a year ago J announcing at the biggest show of the year that I'm getting a D and I didn't even know it and CHL just standing there like a bump on a log.

So right now it is a balancing act and I'm trying to win on the side of responsibility, remaining calmly in control and underreacting.

[psluke]

My dad came to the house last night. I know he was trying to be helpful and it was very nice to see him. We have never been close, he was always working and mom basically raised us 3 girls. So I sort of have a hard time talking to him but it was better last night.

But, he suggested putting a double wide on their farm, where they already put a double wide for my younger sister and that I could move back to Scottsburg, this is half an hour from my job. I don't really make enough to be driving like that twice a day.

So he said he was also thinking of hiring someone to answer the phone and do his books if mom would go for it.

You know I appreciate all that, but I'm not sure that is the life I want to move couple miles down the road from my ex husband, work for mom and dad and live on mom and dads farm. I could exist, but it doesn't much sound like living.