Well that's exactly why I didn't push for a date...I didn't want to look to excited. I just wanted to be nonchalant about it...like it was no big deal... like...oh yeahz sure we can meet up again. If I said okay cool what day and time? That, in my opinion would scream "needy." The idea is I want her to realize I am not even in the R mindset...that that desire is gone and I am ready for be casual friends. Oh and yes, j absolutely, positively will not reach out again. She will have to make the first move...and I'm very, very good feeling she will do just that. After all she initiated asking me to meet again. Now she needs to do a little pursuing I think. No way I initiate another contact...I don't care if another 4 years passes...it's clearly her move now. I am pleased with how today went...it was nice to see her initiate a second meeting almost immediately after I made contact today...20 minutes to be exact.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Well if there was any doubt in my mind whether she wanted to see me again I probably would've pushed more for a date and time. However I know she will get in touch with that already so I wanted to play it cool. I would've felt needy doing that...like when a parent tells a kid I'll take you to the toy store and the kid says "Yayyyy when Daddy when are we going?!!!" So me essentially coming back with "Yayyyy WAW when when when?!" That's to me is showing way too much enthusiasm. So I can't say I regret not setting the date. Again, the idea here is for her to think I am fine not seeing her.. it's her turn to do the work here in my opinion, and that definitely includes setting this thing up. As far as being casual friends, I am confident she would fall for me again, but the only way for that to happen is to use the guise if friendship to spend time with her... jumping right in and making my more-than-friendship motives obvious would also be a very needy, bad move in my opinion. In fact if I remember correctly, I remember reading something about establishing what's called a "False Friendship" with an ex you want to get back with in one of the relationship books I had read back when the D first happened. Finally, when she does contact me to set this up... because SHE did it herself...it is further confirmation that it is a priority of HERS and not something I enticed. So this was my rationale with the things you gentlemen refer to.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Bad move dude. What you are describing is beta male behavior in which you are trying to manipulate her and trick her into being in a relationship with you.
Be a man and ask her out on a date. If she is interested she will say yes, if not she will make an excuse and then you know where you stand.
You are fearful she will say no that is why will you will not ask her. That means deep down inside you feel you are not good enough for her.
If a man does not REALLY want to be with me and REALLY SHOWS ME, that he does,
I'm done.
I already had a relationship in which I had to do the heavy lifting and play guessing games.
No thanks.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
For me, it's a turn off to see a man play it so safe, (God forbid he go out on a limb for little ol' me)
It's as if
1) I'm not worth him taking the risk of being rejected; and or
2) as if he can't handle the possible rejection.
Just my .02
I am dating a nice guy ("M") now. He read me an article saying that we should ALL only be with people we really want to be with AND let them know it.
So when someone asks me "Oh, 25, do you still want to date M?"
My answer better be "F--- YES!" (Sometimes we have to get to know them to know they are that worthy, b/c there will always be some risk). But we need to go for what we want and not play these high school games.
Life is too short to be with someone who "sort of" wants to be with me OR doesn't want me to know how he feels b/c then he'd lose...WHAT????
Your "Power"?
Sorry but I think you are playing this all wrong. We are ALL afraid of being hurt again.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I like your approach. I think a key difference is this isn't some new woman that you met that you are afraid of asking out. This is this is a woman that walked out of your life. A woman that sent you mixed signals and chronically temp checked you.
Based on the way she played her cards it is absolutely on her to demonstrate something more serious than temp checking and game playing. On this forum it is often said that if a WAS wants to R then they'll make their feelings clear, you won't miss the chance because you didn't pounce on crumbs or pursue them desperately.
Myself, I'd send the message (with actions, not words) that I just wanted to catch up, see how it would go to reconnect a bit. But I'd also have some very real concerns about getting too close with a woman that would walk out, so while I'd be open to enjoying a good time together, I'd have to have a reason to think she'd grown up a bit before reinvesting myself emotionally. So yeah, the ball is really in her court, not just in going beyond temp checking and addressing a desire to start something up again, but also in demonstrating that she's not going to flake out on you. This isn't about fear of rejection, it's about self respect and boundaries from someone that disrespected you and threw you away in the past.
Agree or disagree, you shouldn't be looked down at for your decision. I'm not fond of the labeling of 'beta male' as a negative. There's not one right way to be. There are many standards of others I don't meet, and I'm not going to despise myself or contort my life trying to please others for approval.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hey there Zues! Very nice to hear from you! Yeah I don't agree that i should have set the date. Not in any way. It's not my place to do that. I did my "man" part by initiating the contact yesterday. It was her that suggested we meet again. Therefore it is her that can make sure that happens now. Or not... whatever. But I don't regret not setting the date and I think that would have been a colossal mistake making me look too eager and excited. It's HER turn for being eager to meet again. I did my part by initiating contact yesterday...she took the ball and ran and now she can make sure it happens. If she wants it bad enough she'll do it. And I totally believe she will be arranging this second meet up soon. But yes, no way do I think jumping on her suggestion to meet by getting a a date would have been a good idea. Glad to hear from a site vet on this. I hope you are well Zues my friend!!! Really cool to see you still around these parts!
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
