Thank you so much AndrewP,sjohns6, bttrfly,job and bright for your lovely replies.
Andrew: Thank you. <3 <3 <3 back to you
Bttrfly: My darling friend thank you so much for the pep talk and motivation ... you should write a life coach book, seriously, you always know exactly what to say to keep me going.
sjohns6: Thank you, and you are right, I need to put a lot less thought time in to h, it is a waste of my energy. Like I said, my head tells me the right things but my heart pulls me the opposite way. Its now 4 years since BD, he continues to dip in and out of my space, I have tried so hard to live my own life, continue to move forwards without him, but each time he dips in I do look back and probably linger on the spot a bit too long.
job:It seems that we had a couple of weeks of autumn and then straight into the beginning of winter! Its something that I could not have predicted happening on my trip, I do feel that I have adapted my direction to the conditions and so far my decisions have all worked out. H was the one who always made the decisions, problem solving and logistics is his area, so I have been a bit overwhelmed at times having to deal with everything that has arisen so far, but each time I do it I become more confident and relaxed in knowing I will be ok.
Bright: They don't make moving on easy do they !! I had lunch with a g/friend yesterday and she said "I feel as long as you are being proactive and continuing to live your life as best you can, then getting over your r can take as long as it takes ...however if your still hung up on your h in another 4 years time I'm going to kick your a$$" lol. I gave her permission to do so !!
So update time -
I took the east route.
Yesterday I had lunch with my g/friend, I had not seen her in person for 3 years, so it was really lovely to spend time with her catching up. We went for a walk in the hills, the view was incredible, mountain ranges all green with forest and grasslands. We drove through the wineries to a little area with some boutique shops and a cafe, had lunch and then went back to her house. It was so good to have a long natter, we usually ring each other each week, but their is nothing like chatting in person.
At 3pm I made the journey to Christchurch, it was a 4.5hr journey, i am not used to driving for that long and the majority of the road was no stopping due to roadworks repairing the earthquake damage, so I stopped an hour in to my trip for a quick stretch and then did the last 3.5hrs non stop. It was ok and i arrived in good time, found my s21 flat in time for dinner coming out of the oven!! We chatted for a couple of hours, and I felt very old when at 10pm they started getting ready to go out for the night and I was off to bed hahaha.
I slept well, but in the morning I had a bit of a (best way to describe it as) nauseous feeling. Knowing h is just up the road from where i am, I know its irrational, but still the feeling was there. So I got up and drove a while to some hills overlooking a bay and went for a long walk, it was beautiful, the sun in the sky and not many people were around. I took lots of photos and with so many tracks to take I want to return there to do some of the more challenging ones.
On the way home I called in to a supermarket and in the car park thought I saw h - it wasnt him of course, this is a city and the likelihood of me bumping in to h is extremely low - but at that moment I had a bit of a panic feeling, especially as the man was in a car with someone else .... so I got in my car and out of the carpark as quick as I could. I feel really silly, i mean talk about over reaction! Since then I have felt uncomfortable staying here, but as bttrfly pointed out, this is all part of the healing process and I must allow myself to feel it, so I am hoping to stay with s21 for a while longer.
So that's the latest, I still travelling and hoping to still have at least another 6 weeks off before I have to return to reality and get a job and home again.
Thanks for reading and for all your replies, they are all very much appreciated.
