Still in limbo IV

[SteveLW]

I should note that she has gained some weight back, something I couldn't give two cares about. But she keeps mentioning it and isn't happy about it. I am being supportive in a complimentary way. "Don't worry about it, you look great." "Stop being so hard on yourself, you aren't fat." Etc. Always after she makes a derogatory comment about herself.

Validation fail! You think you are doing the right thing but you are not, as Amoafwl said you are invalidating her feelings. Here is what is important- SHE FEELS BAD ABOUT HOW SHE LOOKS. What is her FEELING in that statement? BAD. And your response is that she is wrong. Her feelings are WRONG. I am emphasizing this to get the point across. Validation is all about understanding what she is feeling and offering her SUPPORT for those feelings. She said she feels fat? Ask her how that makes her feel. She says she feels sad that she can't lose weight, you say "I'm sorry you're feeling sad, is there anything I can do to help?" Validation is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ negotiating/ explaining/ etc. It is simply acknowledging feelings.

I am not saying not to compliment her, you should be all means. But when she is expressing feelings/ emotions, don't ever tell her "it's nothing" or "don't worry about it" or "stop being hard on yourself" because none of those are supporting/ validating statements.

I think we talked about Retrouvaille a while back? Did you check into it? That program will supercharge your validation skills.

Thanks I will work on this. And check into Retrouvaille again. I did look it up a while back. I guess I feel that when it comes to weight (and she certainly is NOT fat) it is always a tough line to toe with women. Is she calling herself fat so that I will rush in and defend how she looks? Or is he really expressing how she feels? When it comes to that topic it is all so tricky.

I have done a fairly good job of validating her feelings in other areas, but when she gets onto weight validating feels to me like agreeing.