Expers Please Help!!! Walk Away Spouse after 6 yrs

[Nutcrac]

Thank you very much Sandi. Your info has a lot of thoughtful stuff that needs to be looked into in depth and worked upon. There is much to learn from what you posted and i do my best to enhaance knowledge everyday on these matters. Let me breakdown the answers to your questions step by step below.

Thanks for answering my questions. It helps give a clearer view of the sitch. Was your W raised in a strict religious home?

Yes she was raised in a strict conservative family in a small town. To this date she does not even know how to masturbate (Although I have not taught her).

When I was a young girl, I was very sheltered and society, movies, etc. were more conservative. Television shows were family oriented and very tame in comparison of today. Porn magazines, sex toys, or even condoms were never out in open display in regular stores. It may have been different in large cities, but I was a small town girl who never saw any of these things.

After getting M, my H had to tell me about oral sex. I ran to the bathroom and vomited. I was just a teenager and had never heard any whispers of any such activity between two adults. I was certain my parents would have never stooped to such vulgar behavior!! .

In today's world, it is more difficult to shelter our children's innocence when television and the Internet are too handy to reveal explicit information. I don't know how much your bride had been educated about sex before the wedding. My kids had sex eduction classes in school, so that shows how things changed from my early years to my children's generation.

Do you think it was an issue of innocence and not being exposed or educated about sexual intimacy..........or was she completely turned off and disgusted? In the beginning, was she unwilling to participate.......or was it more like she was frustrated and disappointed? What was her reason for not going to sex therapy....or some type of counseling with you?

Yes I feel this is partly due to the conservative upbringing to some extent. But she was quite frustrated the very first day when the penetration was not successful. She has had her thoughts on that for quite a while. And she was also suffering from depression when I married her. She had to make some abrupt changes to her career decisions due to my marraige, which caused her apathy towards me.

If the MR mainly suffers intimacy problem, I think professional counseling could help both of you. If she has turned to another man or has emotional fantasies of OM, then it will be more complexed, but still repairable. After six years of a SSM, it would be exceptional if she has not engaged in an EA, IMHO. Again, I say the problems can be resolved with the right type of counseling. However, it can't be resolved without her willingness.

I can vouch from my heart she has lost out of love from me. But she has said sometimes, if she finds someone out there who can show her love, she wont think twice before leaving me. At this time she does not have anyone in mind. She is a very spiritual girl. Sometimes she says, she will leave this marriage and become a nun and indulge in godly matters. She has told she wants to live single for ever and never marry again (I highly doubt that)

Women are highly sensitive about their weight. Her weight gain could be the result of frustration over the intimacy problems. A woman will question herself as not being desirable enough to her H, and she'll feel responsible for the ED issues. If she has body shaming, it causes a lot of self-consciousness and makes it very difficult to be uninhibited sexually. If she pulled back and didn't want you touching her intimately, her poor self image could be a big part of her problem. This is another reason I believe sex therapy could help, but I have never had sessions with a sex therapist......therefore, I can't base this on personal experience, just what I've read. I can speak from personal experience about the other things, and I know it is a poor way to begin a MR. The longer it remains in that state where each spouse blames themselves......or one another, the more problems arise around it. Emotional and physical intimacy is the core of a MR. Without it, the love will chip away a little bit at a time.

This is an issue I have observed and I am to be blamed on this mostly for her feelings. I feel bad for what I did. Also she observed that her vaginal muscles are tight and she kinda hesitates allowing me to be close to her. She had ordered dilators and had told me that she would try to relax her muscles so its easier to penetrate. When we were togetherm we had discussed about taking baby steps in this matter when she feels emotionally & physically ready. Alas, she changed her mind suddenly and went into Full spree divorce mode, the minute she left home .

The problems with both families is more complicated. She is very attached to her family, and you are close to your family, as well. If her family is encouraging her to get a D, but she still loves you........I'm sure she feels conflicted.

From what I heard last, her family is not completely against me and to some extent they have supported this marriage despite the issues we have and although they are biased towards her feelings. No one from her family has asked my side of the story so far yet. But they also mentioned the ultimate decision lies with her.

I do not defend her disrespectful behavior toward your family, and neither do the details matter. I know from personal experience how sensitive a W can become when she feels her H does not treat her or show his family that she is number one over his family and friends. When there is a SSM, and she is feeling insecure about her looks, etc., it increases the tension if she feels her H is "taking sides" with her in-laws. Whether he is or isn't, he must show that she is number one in his life, or he'll have a very unhappy W. Sadly, this type of situation can cause a W to act out in unattractive ways. In her attempts to express her emotions to her H, she can often be seen as b'tchy.

I agree to this point of view. Initially when I was married I had no idea who should be kept first. As and when days progressed, I realized wife always comes first and it has been an evolution over a 6 year period. Now I have less attachment to my family and more attachment to my spouse. However, that saying is not the same for her. She is always more attached to her family. She says her parents come first then I come next. It has been this way since marriage. I have not forced her or argued with her on this matter.

[/quote] I will try to court her and be more intimate. Respect her for what she is and improve myself and make sure the marriage has a check mark on progress.

Has she told you she wants you to pursue her and court her? Does she ever act flirty with you?

She hasn't. But I thought may be if I do our intimacy increases. Even if i try to flirt with her or court her, she sees it in a negative way as if i am doing with an ulterior motive and really not liking her.

When you say you will improve yourself, in what way would you improve? Have you set personal goals for yourself?

I have set a number of short term and long term goals -
1) For a start I am detaching from this relationship and healing. (My wife has observed this over a course of 4 months and she is surprised the way I am handling certain matters patiently)
2) Been reading books on Mindfulness. (One day she did ask me how I have been so different. We both did some activities together and read mindfulness together. We went to Yoga classes together. We tried to spend time as much as possible with positiveness. It lasted only for a week before she became cold again and started planning to move out.
3) I spend outdoors mostly. Have changed from being introvert to Extrovert. I was always a Gym guy and I am even now, Which is one BIG positive that helped me when the BD happened. My mind and body was quickly able to take the emotional stress and pain and I recovered from it. My wife definitely sees this positive change in me and to some extent (Although she didnt express). Although devastated and did mistakes initially as per MWD, I know she was surprised how i took the BD aftermath.
4) I take 1 day at a time, an hour at a time. Concentrate for that day. Do not think of past and do not think of future. Try my best to be positive upbeat.
5) I have told her many times when she tries to argue "LET IT GO" and "FORGET THE PAST". I cant change the past but I can definitely think of a happy future if given a chance. I guess the words just fade away from her mind within an hour or so every time she is upset.

I am really glad to hear that you are physically fit and the ED issue is better. That is great.

For the time being, I don't encourage you to pursue dating if she is not suggesting it. Don't put any emotional pressure on her. Continue posting and putting together a plan of action. Currently, you are giving us a picture of your sitch, and you are reading and learning about DB. I hope you will read Divorce Remedy as soon as possible.

I have stopped all communication with her when she said Annullment. I was deeply hurt. I have given her a green over call (Confident positive tone) for dissolution (instead of annulment) to take up matters on her own and let me know how she wants to proceed.
Have been reading Divorce Remedy for a while. I have purchased the Divorce Busting book too. will read it.

One thing i wanted to bring out is, she had disthemia for a while and she was taking medication for it. She continued medication (a very low dose) but suddenly stopped since July of last year. I have seen her issues complicating since then. And I am very very scared to bring this matter to her coz she will go nuts if i say that is the issue.