WW moved out. Whirlwind of emotions

[reframe]

Thanks guys. This thread may seem a little circular, but it's actually helped a TON. I slept last night :-)
Letting go of blaming myself will be a process, but it's starting to feel real.

Great posts from Maika, take those to heart!

Yes, my daemon here is that the pill had a big impact on her libido, and she always used the fact that she was sick and her hormones were screwed up as a rationale for not doing anything about it.

Sounds like a BS excuse to me. I just did a quick read through WebMD and they basically said there's no correlation.

It depends on the person. IT DOES really screw up some people's endocrine system, in addition to changing partner preferences. Can provide links if you want, but I'm also realizing that this is only a small piece of the issue, so it doesn't matter a ton.

Interestingly. we looked into alternative forms of birth control, but she was never on board with them until other health issues forced her hand.

Probably because she knew the pill wasn't the problem. SHE was the problem.

This is absolutely true. Regardless of the cause (the pill, lack of attraction to me, etc..) SHE wasn't willing to make one of my core relationship needs a priority. When her functional doc mentioned getting her off the pill, she found an alternative method she was OK with within a few weeks.

She's since told me that she's "turned on all the time" just not attracted to me anymore.

Well doesn't she sound like quite the treasure! How thoughtful of her to share that with you! Between that and telling you she's banging an acquaintance, and then posting chummy pics of them together on FB... ugh. Just ugh. Maika mentioned the fog affecting the LBS as well as the WAS. It's very true. The WAS remembers nothing but bad things about the M and the LBS remembers only the good things. Eventually the fog lifts for both and the WAS remembers things weren't ALWAYS bad, but the LBS remembers the M wasn't so great after all. It can take a year or more to get there, and often at that time the WAS will reach out for possible recon but the LBS is done with them. I think that's where you're headed. I think eventually you'll see recon with her is not an attractive prospect at all.

Yes! I mean, I'm sure she views telling me both of these things as being honest and transparent. For the sake of argument, I'll give her a pass there.

It doesn't change the fact that she alternated crushes, and waffled on leaving until she found an affair parter or landing pad, then nothing else mattered and she was gone in a week. THIS makes me think significantly less of her.

One of her big hurts was that I mentioned her libido (or lack thereof) to her new doctor when discussing her health issues.

Well that's exactly the sort of thing that SHOULD be discussed with a doctor. Unless her lack of libido is due to lack of interest in YOU rather than a medical issue, as I suspect was the case.

YES! In fact, when I realized (before BD) what a dark place she was in emotionally, I apologized for bringing it up, and told her "the priority is you getting better".

The fact that I wanted a healthy, vibrant sex life, WITH MY WIFE, is not something I
need to apologize for.

In any event, she's a lying cheater. In a WAS situation we typically advise taking the WAS's criticism to heart and making changes, and you should do that to strive to be a better person but that is not going to change the fact that she is a lying cheater. Leave her to the mess she's made and make yourself awesome. Maybe that will attract her back although by the time you're awesome you're probably not going to want that.

She CAN reform herself and "recover" from being a lying cheater, it has happened (see TXHubby's thread, and also read Artista's insightful posts). But SHE needs to do that work and SHE needs to return to you with a humble spirit.

Yes! I'm starting to realize that. This is not a matter of "please come back, all is forgiven" anymore. For me to see anything worthwhile in an ongoing relationship with her, I would need to see real and meaningful change in her. She would need to be willing to own her mistakes and work on them. No more "I've been trying for years and getting nothing back". This HURTS deeply. The loss of my companion for 11 years, and all our future plans together is deeply painful. But it's a LOT less painful than thinking that I singlehandedly screwed things up. I hope I can hold onto this feeling for more than a day.