Thanks for answering my questions. It helps give a clearer view of the sitch. Was your W raised in a strict religious home?
When I was a young girl, I was very sheltered and society, movies, etc. were more conservative. Television shows were family oriented and very tame in comparison of today. Porn magazines, sex toys, or even condoms were never out in open display in regular stores. It may have been different in large cities, but I was a small town girl who never saw any of these things.
After getting M, my H had to tell me about oral sex. I ran to the bathroom and vomited. I was just a teenager and had never heard any whispers of any such activity between two adults. I was certain my parents would have never stooped to such vulgar behavior!! .
In today's world, it is more difficult to shelter our children's innocence when television and the Internet are too handy to reveal explicit information. I don't know how much your bride had been educated about sex before the wedding. My kids had sex eduction classes in school, so that shows how things changed from my early years to my children's generation.
Do you think it was an issue of innocence and not being exposed or educated about sexual intimacy..........or was she completely turned off and disgusted? In the beginning, was she unwilling to participate.......or was it more like she was frustrated and disappointed? What was her reason for not going to sex therapy....or some type of counseling with you?
If the MR mainly suffers intimacy problem, I think professional counseling could help both of you. If she has turned to another man or has emotional fantasies of OM, then it will be more complexed, but still repairable. After six years of a SSM, it would be exceptional if she has not engaged in an EA, IMHO. Again, I say the problems can be resolved with the right type of counseling. However, it can't be resolved without her willingness.
Women are highly sensitive about their weight. Her weight gain could be the result of frustration over the intimacy problems. A woman will question herself as not being desirable enough to her H, and she'll feel responsible for the ED issues. If she has body shaming, it causes a lot of self-consciousness and makes it very difficult to be uninhibited sexually. If she pulled back and didn't want you touching her intimately, her poor self image could be a big part of her problem. This is another reason I believe sex therapy could help, but I have never had sessions with a sex therapist......therefore, I can't base this on personal experience, just what I've read. I can speak from personal experience about the other things, and I know it is a poor way to begin a MR. The longer it remains in that state where each spouse blames themselves......or one another, the more problems arise around it. Emotional and physical intimacy is the core of a MR. Without it, the love will chip away a little bit at a time.
The problems with both families is more complicated. She is very attached to her family, and you are close to your family, as well. If her family is encouraging her to get a D, but she still loves you........I'm sure she feels conflicted.
I do not defend her disrespectful behavior toward your family, and neither do the details matter. I know from personal experience how sensitive a W can become when she feels her H does not treat her or show his family that she is number one over his family and friends. When there is a SSM, and she is feeling insecure about her looks, etc., it increases the tension if she feels her H is "taking sides" with her in-laws. Whether he is or isn't, he must show that she is number one in his life, or he'll have a very unhappy W. Sadly, this type of situation can cause a W to act out in unattractive ways. In her attempts to express her emotions to her H, she can often be seen as b'tchy.
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I will try to court her and be more intimate. Respect her for what she is and improve myself and make sure the marriage has a check mark on progress.
Has she told you she wants you to pursue her and court her? Does she ever act flirty with you?
When you say you will improve yourself, in what way would you improve? Have you set personal goals for yourself?
I am really glad to hear that you are physically fit and the ED issue is better. That is great.
For the time being, I don't encourage you to pursue dating if she is not suggesting it. Don't put any emotional pressure on her. Continue posting and putting together a plan of action. Currently, you are giving us a picture of your sitch, and you are reading and learning about DB. I hope you will read Divorce Remedy as soon as possible.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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