Hello all.......hope everyone is well. Been a bit since I posted anything.
Ciluzen.........thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me......you have given me MANY things to think about, so that is what I have been doing.
For the past few days I have been thinking about my anger. Like I mentioned before, I do not yell, scream or rage at H like I used to, but to be honest, there really hasn't been anything that has happened where I feel myself getting to a place where that would be my response. And, it is so non productive that I just can't and wont do it any more.
What I am trying to figure out is where is the anger coming from. The obvious is.... I still can not understand why H would make the choices he did leading up to the A, and then after BD become a person I had no idea existed......and not to mention the horrible way he treated me after BD. I know there is also still a lot of hurt behind the anger. I feel like I have made progress with processing my emotions towards H and his actions, but definitely still have a lot of work to do. I know that I am still punishing him and that is only hurting both of us.
I am distancing myself from H, and he has noticed. He is now pursuing me and making more of an effort. I know he will eventually get tired of pursuing me and feel that he is not getting anything in return, but I am just not there right now and feel that if I did it would not be genuine.
I continue to sleep in one of the other rooms, and we are not intimate at all. H does kiss me on my cheek before he leaves for work, but that is it.
He continues to have self reflection and says he sees things differently. He listens differently then he used to and has acknowledged that before he "couldn't be bothered" with listening to me. I told H that I was proud of the progress he has made, and have seen the positive changes in him. I said I would like to continue to move forward with him in our marriage, and know that it is going to take some hard work on both of our part, but H says he doesn't know if he can move forward knowing that I do not want a relationship with his parents.
Before BD we (his parents and myself) did not have a close relationship as they live in the UK and we live in the states. When they would visit, I would make sure that I spent time with them and I felt we enjoyed each others company. When H would skype with them I was not around because I felt like he needed his alone time with them. I did not exchange emails or phone calls with them, basically only had interaction with them when they would visit us (usually 2-3 times a year for about 2-3 weeks each time).
After BD, his parents said some pretty terrible things about me. When they found out I filed for D, his father told him to "take her for everything she has." They lied to family members about what really happened between the two of us.........of course they made me out to be the "bad guy" and that everything was my fault. They also bad mouthed me quite a bit.
After about 6 months post BD, H wanted to try and work things out and do some counseling. His mother did not agree and told him "make sure that SKM knows that counseling is for her benefit only and nothing else." She was not supportive at all. We tried to work things out, but H was not in the right frame of mind at that time so we continued to stay separated.......I am pretty sure his mom was pleased about that.
I understand blood is thicker then water, and parents will stand behind their children no matter what. BUT.......H has since told them we are living together again, trying to work on our marriage, etc. He took responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage, and the A. He also told them that he now knows that he made the wrong choices after BD in regard to how he was living his life, and how he chose to treat me. He also acknowledged that he was financially irresponsible during that time and racked up quite a bit of debt. He also mentioned he was doing the Landmark "therapy" and was working on finding out why he was making the choices he was, and was trying to become a better version of himself.....his father told him that he thought all of that "was a waste of his time."
I do not bring up his parents or sibling in conversation. If he does I listen, but do not ask questions. I honestly have zero desire to hear about them or speak about them. H knows that having a relationship with his parents is not a priority for me right now. I do not want a relationship with his parents because of how they treated me after BD. I was good enough for 10 years, but when I kicked him out after I found out about the A, I became this horrible b*tch to them. I told H that I feel like I deserve an apology from them......one I know I will never get.
I said that if he feels that strongly about us (me and his parents) having a relationship, then I am not the person for him. I told him that at this point in my life it is more important for me to focus on me, him, our marriage and not his parents.
I have started to look for places to move to because I don't think that he is ever going to change his mind about wanting me to have a relationship with them. And, I am not sure I can continue to live in this environment for much longer. I think maybe time apart would be good for us.
I honestly do not know what to do in this situation? So, I continue to work on me
