Things moving fast. Twists & turns.(hoosjim's 15th

[sandi2]

She accepted all the "boundaries and expectations" on my list, but has not been completely submissive and humble in doing so. Two weeks ago it was "please come back, I'll do anything" and now I'm hearing little things,like "This is what I want, and I'm willing to do all the things on this list to try to save our MR, but I'm also scared that you're never going to let me forget this, that I'm always going to be nervous and looking over my shoulder and afraid of making some little mistake or forgetting to tell you something" and "I worry that I'm never going to feel comfortable and you're never going to want me to hang out with my friends". I

She's verbally reversing the roles to make herself appear as the victim. I've seen this in many WW accounts. If the betrayed H doesn't stay on his toes, he'll start thinking he's got to earn her trust........or that he has to prove to her that he does trust her.

In particular, while she cancelled her two get togethers in coming weeks with bff... she now wants me to talk with bff... "clear the air"... that bff is supportive of our MR because she sees and knows that that is what she (w) wants and what makes her (w) happy... that bff herself has changed and does not like the person she(bff) had become when hangin out with om... that bff is moving away and that she will rarely if ever see her after that... that she would like to find a way to "make it safe for you (me, hj) , for me (w) to see bff... You (me, hj) could even go to dinner with us, stay nearby, even at same hotel maybe... and me and bff and gf could go ahead and have our birthday slumber party." (This would be in june). That "she's giving up all this other stuff snd shed really like it if she could swe bff that weekend".

This is just sickening. But I'm not a bit surprised, b/c I felt she could let go of OM much easier than letting go of BFF. How you controlled yourself when she suggested you could stay nearby while they had their slumber party...........what is she, twelve years old? How would she feel if that scenario was reversed and it was you having an all night party while she had to stay someplace else? She almost appears as if she's missing a link.......but actually, it is that old selfishness that is driving her vehicle at the moment. She sounds like a teenager who has been grounded b/c of her own bad behavior, and she's protesting and trying to convince the parent that she deserves to continue seeing BFF and have overnight parties. She even insults you by suggesting you and BFF just talk it out.

Yes, I agree with you that she has not had enough time to process, and this is that old selfish rebellion rising up to be heard.

All that stuff about the doctor and her getting pi$$ed at what you said........... She can twist and turn it in all directions, and she can get defensive and haughty......but it's one of two things here, Either she doesn't know where to draw the line when interacting with other men........or else she does know, but if need be.... she can spin it around and play dumb and try to make herself appear like an innocent child. She doesn't get to have it both ways.......and I think that's what she may be trying here.

I think she'll start protesting more (in her own special way), b/c she doesn't want to follow the rules about behaving like a M woman. If that infected core (whatever it may be) can be cut out, I think the MR will heal and be very good. Whatever is in her spirit that wants to rebell against behaving like a good girl........has not been resolved. She has confessed her wrong actions. She has said how sorry she was about the OM.........and I think she meant it. She saw you walking out on her, and she immediately decided you were her priority and OM could go.

Don't get me wrong, I think she's done well. A lot of WW's would not be working with the IC/MC. I also think a big part of it was emotional reaction in trying to secure her situation. She would have promised you anything to get you back and secure that part of her world. Up to this point, she has been willing to do what you requested and has followed the MC instructions, etc. I maintain that having her willingness is highly important. If she's not willing.....it's all a waste of time.

When she starts to feel that things are more secure, she will start trying to back peddle on some of the boundaries. And, I think as much as we've discussed in the past, you surely expected to see some protest along the way.

I see your W trying to get you to compromise. As if she's saying, "I've been good in one area. I've done everything you've said.....for nearly three weeks! So, don't you agree that I have earned the privilege of having a girls slumber party? Can't you and BFF just kiss and make up, for my sake? Are you going to punish me for the rest of my life?"

I think she'll use the "your punishing me" card to get you to relent on some of your stipulations. She knows how to get to you. The board can even tell when she's getting to you.

Now after saying all of that above, I do not want you to be discouraged, b/c I think it is coming along......but just bear in mind that she hasn't done that inner work. I say this all the time, that the WW's hardest work is fixing her heart. I don't mean just how she feels toward her H, necessarily. I mean the resentment, selfishness, rebellion........all that stuff that's at the core of her wayward mindset. I'll be interested in seeing what Artista says. She may not agree, but I think there are a lot of positive moves that's been made.......however, your W still has an issue within herself that she has to resolve.

I am so happy that you two are having sex again! Now listen, the first time she acts like she's pulling back.......address it then, and don't let that distance come between you again. I mean, to think this has been a SSM for nearly a decade........even if the timing was questionable, I'm still happy about it, b/c you've passed that first time of being intimate again. And, b/c it didn't end with that one time. This doesn't signify sealing the deal.....but it sure is a nice......ah.....oh, whatever. It's nice.

BTW, if the MC tries to get you to reveal your method of tracking your W during the A........never tell. Never ever tell. If you have a chance in IC, you might consider telling her not to bring it up b/c you refuse to reveal your source......and it won't go well. Anyway, those are just my thoughts.