Expers Please Help!!! Walk Away Spouse after 6 yrs

[Nutcrac]

I'm so sorry to hear how things have gone in your MR. What are the ages of you and your W?

M 35 W 35

Your W obviously loves you, but it doesn't appear that she's getting much encouragement from her family, her in-laws, or even her H.......that I can see at this point. What else (other than try those meds that did not work) have you done in the past six years that showed her you were being proactive in finding help with the ED?

I took meds for 6 months. No luck.. But she also did not allow me to being close with her. Every time i moved close, she used to give some or the other excuse. Not that I am blaming her. I always had the performance anxiety and fear to ask her. Coz i did not want to spoil her mood. She is also somewhat not sexually aroused. One time i showed porn and she wanted to vomit.

You mentioned a couple of times how you cuddle, fondle, and massage her head........but have you done anything else sexually? I mean, if you can't get an erection, you could sexually stimulate and satisfy her in other ways.

I am a sexually fit guy.. I get aroused. Only thing is my erection does not last long. End up ejaculating quickly. I have tried to sexually arouse her but she refrains from any such desires. Tried to court her but stops me. Asks me to keep my Underwear on and not touch her while sleeping. But yes I think my sexual drive is low. And she always says that she is the one who has always initiated sex and it was never me. Not exactly true. but yes mostly it was her due to my fear and performance anxiety.

I realize this is a sensitive subject, but I want to ask several questions to better understand. Did you have erection issues before the wedding?

I did mention this to my wife regarding the erection issue before wedding.

Please don't feel I am being insulting. I am simply trying to find out more of what has happened these past six years. What did the doctor suggest after you reported that the meds did not help?

I followed up with more doctors. All suggested increased dosage of sertralin and i had depressive side effects. Moreover my wife did not allow me close, so i really did not have a means to test it, frankly.

Did you see a sex therapist?

No, as she was not ready. And also i feel i am cured. but no vehicle to test with

Were you ever sexually molested? Sorry, if I'm being too direct, and you don't have to answer my questions, if you'd rather not.

No

Were you addicted to porn before getting married?

A little bit just like all school guys.

My H and I married young and were virgins. The wedding night went fine, considering that both of us were shy and knew very little about sex. But the next morning he could not perform, and I didn't understand. The situation continued for two or three weeks. If I had been more knowledgable, and/or if we had not been so timid......it would not have lasted that long. It was long enough, however, for me to know if a couple doesn't turn to professional help........the MR is going to be on very shaky ground. It doesn't matter how much cuddling or other forms of affection are shown.......if there is not some type of sexual pleasure and physical union, then the couple will likely become roommates. Both spouses feel frustrated, hurt, resentful, etc. You have to give her more intimacy than she would get from a "friend".

I long for that. I am missing her very much. At the same time, I don't want her to force to be with me unhappy.

This is not an easy situation for couples who have been M for a long time. In your case, I think there's something you aren't telling us............or else you have been very passive about this entire sex starved MR. Don't misunderstand and think I am blaming you or finding fault for having ED. I am not. I am asking what else have you tried, in seeking help for the problem.......and to have sexual intimacy in the MR?

My wife was very beautiful when i met her first time. It was love at first sight. Over the years after that and at time of marraige, she was still pretty. But she gained weight subsequently and we were sexually starved. I feel i have also hurt at times on her looks. Tried to make her loose weight and all that. I felt bad for what i did and I guess she took it to heart.

*****************************************

The part about the family and in-laws getting involved and making things worse for the couple........is sad, but often very true. If her family has negative feelings for you, then they influence her......and she gets more resentful, as a result. If your family cannot accept her and treat her with some measure of kindness.......or if she cannot show them respect.......the only hope I see would be to move away from both families. But that wouldn't really solve the problem. It just puts a little distance from them. Some families just cannot blend......and the couple has to decide who takes priority. I'll give you a hint......it's neither family.

What can you do to show your W things would be different in the relationship if she decides to not get a divorce?

I will try to court her and be more intimate. Respect her for what she is and improve myself and make sure the marriage has a check mark on progress.

The one part on her list I question is her concern that you have snooped on her devices. Has this been a problem in the past? Has she behaved inappropriately with another man.........or have you been insecure and snooped to see if she was cheating?

I have never been insecure and trust her 100% to heart. I may have snooped her devices just once or twice just for curiosity a long time ago. She thinks i spy on her all the time. has that negative feeling on me now that I am some kinda bad guy. One day i even jokingly told her when she gave her apt keys to a janitor to clean while she was not there - " You trust the janitor more than me?". the trust is broken to that extent. As a matter of fact, right from Day 1, I have always helped her get on track on finances and stuff and helped her sincerely with no ulterior motives.