Let me give you a brief backgoround. My wife and I have known for almost 17 years and we have been married since 2012. We knew each other through long distance relationship. I have been a virgin all the time until i met my wife. Right from my first honeymoon night, i was not able to penetrate her fully due to my erectile dysfunction issue. We tried a few times later on during the course of the relationship but could not get it through although i was able to break ger hymen. But not a satisfying sexual experience for her. However we both share a very strong feeling and emotional bonding with each other which has led us this far. We cuddle, fondle and give head rubs and massages and we hug affectionately when we sleep together.
We have had constant arguments in our relationship and she has lost all the trust and faith in me.. many times she things i am gay, does not trust in money matters. We both are working couples. However, She still thinks i somehow spy on her and know all her financial accounts. she hates my family to the core and most of our arguments escalate due to that as my family and her had some issues during the begining of our relationship as to my wife not being respected by them. I took some treatment for my ED issue but it didnt help me much and now although i feel my love and affection has improved than before along with my better erection, for the past couple of years my wife is not allowing me close to her if i try to initiate sex. She gives some or the other excuse to avoid sex although she has noticed that i do get better erections than before but has lost hopes of having sex with me. At the same time, I did not want to force her and wanted to give her own space. However we spend a lot of time cuddling and fondling and massaging each other many nights and hugging and sleeping together. We enjoy dining outside, trips together but not one time she is completely happy as some or the other argument worsens the situation. But many times she conveys the fact that i do deeply love her, that I am a good man and that she will never find a better person than me in the future if she leaves me.
However, on the negative side, she constantly complains the below-
1) I dont make her feel like a complete woman 2) I care less for her compared to my parents 3) She does not want to have a kid from a family like me 4) She feels like she is in a cage when she is with me 5) She thinks that i spy on her electronic media. 6) We live like brother and sister 7) Uses abusive words for my parents and sister.
We are basically from South Asia and a society which cares a lot about 1 marriage and live for ever. It so happened that i took her to my native parents home to settle all differences and an argument ensued and spiralled out of control with my mother and sister. Things turned ugly and she was thrown out of our home. I did whatever i could to support her in front of my parents and sister but couldn't control the situation. I also moved out of the home along with her and our bag and baggage.
The inlaws incident turned tragic to an already down spiralling relationship. After that, we have had constant arguments and she became so distressed that she wants a divorce. I convinced and consoled and begged her many times but nothing helped. She involved her parents and brother in her family. And now she along with everyone in family wants us to seperate. I am the only person who wants her back and fighting for it.i have lost contact with my parents as well. I am handling this all alone. Fast forward, we are back to US and got back to our work.
Initially she wanted to move out in a month. She discussed the situation with her brother and he agreed to support her in this regard. She has changed her goals now. She says she wants to work for 2 years and settle back in asia and help her parents. However I know that she has a very deep affection love and care for me. After a lot of arguments, I gave up and told her she can decide what she wishes with our relationship after which she calmed down.She had kinda made up her mind for divorce before even coming to US.
Just a couple of days ago she was too upset when she woke up in the morning. She says she loves me so much it is very difficult to part from me. Said she had discussed with her brother that she wants to divorce and still live with me.She also said she wants us to live like friends and see how it goes. Initially she wanted us to sleep separate rooms but she insisted us to sleep together daily in the master bed room without any physical touch. However, the same day, she removed all our marriage wall photo frames and kept it inside.i see the pain in her and i realized all my mistakes of forcing and begging her and not listening to her during arguments.
Every day i see her in different moods. But i have noticed some positive ones. She cooks food and ensures i eat. She calls me to bed before going to sleep. She appreciated me keeping the house tidy and clean. I keep a rose vase in the kitchen island and change the color of rose every day. However she has said nothing. She wants to move out and expects me to support her to move out so she can be independent and then divorce me down the line after few months. She has also said that she does not want to divorce me immediately as this is the biggest decision of her life and hence the seperation. Meantime i have stopped questing or asking her to move out. I just mind my own business and work and have very minimal interaction with her.
Somehow, I delayed our physical separation by 2 months. Although i refused to help her find apartments, I did help her move the things and buy new stuff for her apartment. My in laws came to her new place the day we separated. She had mixed feelings the day she left home, and i simply wished her "be happy" and hugged her while she was in tears. She said she did not want to think of any divorce at least few months as she just wants to explore her independent life. I have been giving her full freedom and completely stopped pushing her or begging or pleading. Whenever she is with family her behavior towards me is full of resentment and disrespect. She has become fairly cold and distant. She hardly cares for me and contacts me only when there are divorce discussions. She has not filed for divorce yet. But she said she will be filing one soon. She moved out of home with lot of emotions feeling bad and bad for leaving this relationship. Just a week ago before she moved out she did not want to think about any divorce or next steps. Now that she moved out within 3 days being with her family she flipped completely and wants to divorce me. When i calmly agreed to her divorce request she was annoyed and got upset saying i spoiled her life and started being emotional. I asked her to stop resenting and i will pursue her and be faithful to her until she file for divorce. Realizing her attitude i decided to start selling all the marital home assets one by one. Stopped contacting her. Only talk to her if she calls me. And these days i am minding my own business.i can tell that she has no affair currently but she is trying to be close to her family to forget my emotional attachment. She called me very depressed saying she wants to remember the good times although its a lot more difficult for her to leave me now. She asked if i was in her situation would i file for divorce? I said NO. I simply said i will do what she needs to make her happy. If she wants to come back,come happily,if not divorce and leave,but i wont divorce her. I Have kept away from friends and families. She thinks i have started talking about our relationship to friends which is Wrong. Again she definitely doesn't have an affair. However she called a lawyer and wants to proceed with Annulment of Marriage due to NON-Consummation. I discussed with my lawyer and simply Said NO but agreed to Dissolution of Marriage due to Incompatibility. I also confirmed that I am not taking any money from her (Although lawyer suggested otherwise that i was eligible for 2 year spousal support and 50% of what she has earned). I even advised her if she was ready to go as soon as next week and finalize dissolution by end of month. Wife said she was busy next 2 weeks and will look into it later as she does not have time. Typical midlife crisis and possible depression with resentment. Suggested her various mindfulness tactics and meditation with which we could regularly overcome our differences and lead a happy life. She agreed to that and saw the effects and changes in me while we were still living together. But flips soon back and forth. Its just like talking to a wall. I am firm on my commitment and trying to make her life better and keep her happy as much as i can. I am forced to Move on. I am independent, single and spend most of the times outdoors. Don't have affairs or anything but strong enuf to independently manage life. Now she seems to have anger towards me saying "I spoiled her life". I said i cherish the good times and sorry that she feels that way and hope someday she sees me as a different person. No response since 10 days so far. Please suggest how this could end up ultimately and how i should handle it.
