MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART VI

[25yearsmlc]

If you do want a recon, and many many do, the thing is she cannot assume waltzing back in is the way to do it.

I don't know your background story or what you feel your own role in it was.

So, I'd pull back b/c YOU are the one who had to heal a broken heart. Not her (I assume).

I think a lasting recon is very uncommon. NOT impossible but really hard to do b/c the appeal of jumping back in "the way it was before" will NOT WORK and I'm living proof of that.

My x SAID the things to recon that he needed to say (probably meant at the time)

but in a short amount of time, in incremental ways, he repeated the old behaviors until they were flat out IN MY FACE the same dang thing and I had to file.

HOWEVER

maybe if I had made it harder to recon (not in anger) but in constructive concrete ways where we could find out what his issues OR what his real values were and whether he wanted to change them to realign our values.

In the end, my x did NOT share my values about family and marriage. If he had, we would not be divorced. But I spent a ton of energy maintaining the illusion that he was as invested in our marriage and family, as I was.

Somehow I just did not really accept this difference between us - till the past year.

I had wracked my brain trying to understand why or how he could do what he was doing. For years I had paced back & forth in my head, asking "WHY WHY WHY??"

Until it hit me, that's b/c I would wrack MY Brain to understand ME doing those things, but I never did those things and I never would,

but x h did. And that is NOT because of an MLC; it's because x and I do not share the same values. His moral compass is very different than mine.

I mistook his IQ and hard work for character and loyalty.

But I digress.

And FTR, I have 2 family members remarry their former spouses and it was better the second time

so it happens. I read 6% of couples remarry their exes and I read that 12% do.

(That's 1 in 16 to 1 in 8.) When asked IF one should reconcile...maybe we ought to ask

"why was there a divorce originally?"


AND why is there a chance to reconcile? (Cannot be b/c plan B, or not enough money as a single person, etc)

AND finally, HOW to reconcile so it will last.

But yes, I know for a fact it can happen