My own personal issue is that I'm WAY to willing to blame myself for this. There were things I could have done better to be sure, but I keep going over this in my head, and part of me is still convinced that had I just been more patient and supportive when she was sick (and not worried about our poor sex life) we'd be good now. I talk myself out of this attitude, then back into it, regularly.
This is common, especially for those of us that like to be in control. We assume we could have controlled the situation by fixing what we did wrong. However, your W had free-will. You could have been a perfect spouse (NO ONE IS!) and she could have still chosen this path. So yes, you have to forgive yourself and move forward. That means recognizing your deficiencies and fixing them so that you don't repeat your mistakes in the future.
However, no matter how bad of a spouse you were (except for physical abuse of course!) it did not give her the right to look outside of the MR. She could have continued to work at improving things with you instead of using it as an excuse to go find someone else.
I've often thought about the amount of effort it takes to cheat. Think of all the hiding, lying, covering, manipulating, misdirecting, sneaking, coordinating, and keeping all of that straight. It takes a ton of effort to pull that off! If the cheater used that effort and put it into improving their MR instead then they wouldn't need to cheat.
So forgive yourself, recognize where you made mistakes, fix those mistakes, and move forward! That is what I've done.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
