No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

Okay guys, I've swallowed the pill.

I have spent an unspeakable amount of time reading through these boards, especially success stories like Benito, joejoe1, Txhubby, etc. I've taken notes. I read and reread Sandi's rules and the detachment thread every day. I am ready to let go of my W and MR and focus on being the best DBer I can possibly be. I fully understand why this is the best chance my MR has for reconciliation, while simultaneously being the best thing for me regardless of outcome. I want to be the LBS who loses all the desperation and can objectively step back and say 'do I really even want my W back' if the day ever comes where she approaches me.

I know my determination will be tested and there will be times I don't feel as strong. But that's when I will keep coming back here and reading and posting and getting recentered. I am committed to kicking my codependency and Nice Guy Syndrome to the curb. It feels like an overwhelmingly huge task, but this is where I will use my 'I can do anything' attitude to my advantage.

It will be a slow race full of baby steps, but I won't let myself get off track. And I know if I keep posting here, you guys won't let me either. I am still waiting for DR to arrive in the mail; I really hope it gets here by tomorrow and I don't have to wait until next week.

I want to say again how much I appreciate this community and your support. The hardest thing for me throughout this process will be the fact that I am still living with my W and, despite her initiation to separate, she still doesn't want me off her hook. Every time I take a step back, she moves one closer. This just reinforces to me that letting go and detaching is the right way to go, but it is still HARD. Every day, I will face constant small challenges.

For example, yesterday I made myself a pre-workout smoothie as we both got ready for the day. Normally, I make a big one and give her half. Not this time. No reason I need to keep going out of my way for her. Well, she noticed. "Did you make a smoothie?" "Yes." "Is there some for me?" "No, sorry." (Why did I say sorry??) "It's cool, you obviously just didn't think about it." Counter-intuitive alarm bells are going off in my head. I've done the wrong thing and she thinks I didn't think about her. No, she is just uncomfortable with the fact that that is no longer part of my job description.

Her obsessive texting has decreased a bit, but so has my care. This weekend I have a few Meetup events and I will get some practice fielding her questions about where I go and what I do, and fighting the feeling that I am pushing her away. She invited me to a dinner she planned for Friday with a few of our friends. I will go, but I feel that I should start declining some of these invitations. As my own GAL ramps up, I hope this will become natural as schedule conflicts arise.

Hopefully, I am on the right track in trusting the "counter-intuitiveness" of the process. I feel that my W is still a lot more attached than she thinks she is or wants to be. It makes me cringe a bit to think that I am helping to sever whatever attachment she has left. But, I also think if we ever were to recon, we are much better off starting anew and building something different, stronger, and better. I would really appreciate some of your thoughts and affirmation that my thinking isn't flawed. I know there isn't just one way to DB and everybody's situation is different.