Help evaluating LRT progress

[Olya]

From what you wrote I think your H, wasnt the most popular or maybe got bullied some growing up. (I might be wrong).

No, you are spot on. He was kind of a loner in school.

Now he has joined the Army and he has flirted with leadership and it has went to his head a bit.

I suppose that might be the cause behind him telling me that he has decided that he will no longer do anything he does not want to do.

But you are a strong woman, seems to me that you have a natural leadership trait and your H doesnt and hes taking some of what he lacks out on you. The only person he knows that will put up with his Sh!t.

I don't think he sees me as strong anything. He has always been the one person I come crying to, tell my hurts to, tell my insecurities to. He sees that as a sign of my weakness. The week before he asked for a divorce, he called me a dejected crybaby. I had a kidney infection and was freaking out about everything and cried a lot.

The day he asked for a divorce, he told me that I am only holding on to him because I'm scared of being on my own without him.

You cook for him, drive back and forth hours to see him, you are going to law school while carrying a 3.7 GPA, you held him while he cried, you motivated him to pass his PT test after he failed his initial one in OCS and thought he couldn't do it. Only a woman with strength and great character can pull that off. Only a woman that truly loves her man can pull that off.

I'm not without faults either. I can be demanding and overbearing. There were a couple of times when I had to yell at him to snap out of it because comforting him was not working and time for him to come to his senses was precious short. I don't think he has forgiven me for that.

Also, when he decided to try again this past fall, I was probably too demanding of him. He was making baby steps and I wanted more than that. I also wanted a sincere apology from him for everything he had put me through - he had said some nasty things to me last spring when he first brought up divorce. He told me that he was not going to prostrate himself before me over what he said. That just made me angry.

The nail in the coffin for him was me asking again and again that he keep in contact with me during the week when I'm not at home.

He's being somebody he's not. Or at least trying to be. He's not being real with who he is as a man and person. So your H has a conflict with himself and not you. Until he learns to be honest with himself and be happy with the man he is and stop trying to prove himself to people that could care less about him like his friend. He will be in conflict with himself. It's nothing you can do for him, while he is going thru this but support and remind him he is an awesome man just the way he is.

He views his old self - a vulnerable, kind, open person - as a liability. He believes that he is happier and better off being as he is right now.

[44tries]

Problem is, I don't believe him. All these things are simply untrue.

This is the coping mechanism. If he can deny everything positive that ever existed, claim it's dead, never was, whatever, then it becomes much easier to walk away from. You are likely right that it's all or at least mostly B.S. But he will do everything in his power to convince himself, and you (but you know better). The real question is why. Why does he want to walk away from it all? His mental health, MLC, some personal trauma/crisis? Perhaps, like we have discussed, he has just become aware of his own lack of love for himself and doesn't know what to do about it.

He says he is happier this way. He doesn't look it.

This. I think that I can honestly say if I let my wife walk away, and I believed she would become a better, stronger, happier person, I would do it in a heartbeat. A very painful heartbeat, but a heartbeat nonetheless. I value her happiness above my own because I love her. I want the best for her and if, for whatever reason, that isn't me, then I can accept that and let her go and know that I will be fine. BUT, it certainly doesn't feel like all this is for the best. She is not any stronger or happier than she was before she decided she didn't want to be married to me anymore; quite the opposite. Like you said, it's not growth, it's shrinking.

Now, I realize in my case it has only been a very short time. She is going through a break-up too and maybe her regression is only temporary. But, I have to say it doesn't inspire a lot of confidence to see her spiraling. It certainly doesn't make it any easier to walk away. If I am able to remain strong, work on bettering myself from day one, and I am the one stuck with the wrong end of the stick, it is very hard to feel like this her breakout moment of newfound strength where she sheds her cocoon (and me along with it), and becomes a butterfly.

[lcause]

I think I know that... and this is my problem. I love him and I feel awful for him. He is emotionally crippled and he does not see it. I want to be there for him, but he won't let me. I know that no matter what happens, I will be fine. I'm not so sure about him.

I understand you. True love is unconditional; no matter what our partners do, we still want to love them and it is hard to let go. No matter how bad it feels, letting go is a must for you. You can't fix him and fixing him is not your job to do. He has to want to get better all by himself and this realization might take while or never happen at all. Detach yourself and concentrate on getting your degree. Utilize it completely by making new friends and possible contacts for your career

He hasn't grown. He shrunk. He used to read, watch documentaries, go to museums, go to concerts, hike, play video games, play D&D, experiment with awful baking recipes, etc. Now all he's interested in is gym, beer, phone games, texting with his buddies, YouTube videos, and comic books. He didn't substitute these interests for his old ones - his old set included both.

This sounds a lot like depression. I know this because I was heavily depressed too and I did the exact same thing. Things that really sparked my feelings up did not feel good at all anymore and I could spend hours watching random useless YouTube videos always searching for that next "big thing" that gives me the "rush" of feel-good. In fact, quite a bit of it is documented on my thread - I was feeling REALLY low around a half a year ago. Only when I PERSONALLY realized what I was doing, what I was feeling and WHY, I could conquer it. I could share it properly and bring my defenses down to appreciate the help I was getting. I did not know about my defense mechanisms without outside help.

Bottom line is that you can't say anything that would bring him back to his senses. By trying to convince him anything, psychology tells that you are only likely to cement his views or feelings. He resents you because he thinks you are the issue. He HAS to want it himself, not convinced or forced by someone else. Don't take it personally and understand that it isn't likely something he chooses directly. It is hard to understand but work towards it - it will help you in your life by teaching you how to set yourself in someone else's shoes regardless of the situation.

[Natash]

I understand you. True love is unconditional; no matter what our partners do, we still want to love them and it is hard to let go. No matter how bad it feels, letting go is a must for you. You can't fix him and fixing him is not your job to do. He has to want to get better all by himself and this realization might take while or never happen at all.


Bottom line is that you can't say anything that would bring him back to his senses. By trying to convince him anything, psychology tells that you are only likely to cement his views or feelings. He resents you because he thinks you are the issue. He HAS to want it himself, not convinced or forced by someone else. Don't take it personally and understand that it isn't likely something he chooses directly. It is hard to understand but work towards it - it will help you in your life by teaching you how to set yourself in someone else's shoes regardless of the situation.

Olya-I am sorry that you are here and in the situation you are in. I look forward to following your post.

Lcause- what a wonderful response and I thank you for sharing this as I am working to detach. Each day is getting a little bit easier and your words about true love from the LBS and the fact that the WW spouse needs to want it sums it all up nicely. Sometimes I read advice and wonder or question but you made it seem so simple to understand.

[Olya]

So, today I found out that there is another woman.


He and OW met about a year and a half ago. She is a civilian at a base where my husband was stationed before the current duty station.

Today he texted me to ask me not to come home the weekend of the 20th. She is coming down with a couple of other of his friends. If all goes well, he plans to go to a hotel with her. They will keep long-distance relationship going while he is on deployment. Then they plan to move in together after he comes back next year.

They started talking and started up this relationship about a week ago. For now it's just an emotional affair. But I expect that by the end of the weekend of the 20th, it will be a full-blown physical affair.

Oh, and he told me that he does not want to be around me because I am no longer fun. Yes, school and stress will do that to a person. I thought that marriage was about helping one another through those times.

A part of me is crushed. I feel winded. Like I'm in a stupor. But I'm not crying. A part of me has expected this all along.

He told me that he will just divorce me sooner if I attempt to come home on the 20th. Right now, I have no choice.


I do have the entire conversation saved as text messages and I'm about to try and figure out how to permanently save it so that I have the record.

I... I'm in a place where I don't know what to do. The next month will be crazy-busy for me. I'll have no trouble keeping busy. Right now, I just feel incredibly, incredibly dirty.

And I need advice. Any advice. Really, just anything.

[joejoe1]

Olya,

I'm sorry to hear the news. It's crushing news. Keep posting, listen and use the advice here. The faster you pick yourself up and starting DBing the better chance you have at saving your M and yourself.

Now on to your H. What does he mean by if, "you come home this weekend he will D you sooner"? In other words he's planning on D you but you have time if you don't show up. That statement is him wanting his cake and eating as well. Sooner, really!!!

It's time for you to detach, let him go. Give him space. I know those statements are hard to hear. The faster you move out his way and work on your side the street, the faster you get to healing.

Stop cooking his food. Stop calling, texting and answering his phone calls. Stop being a convient option for him. He needs to feel what it is like losing you.

Read up on detachment. Reread it. Don't beat yourself up. This pricess is hard and it takes time.

You are an awesome woman. Treat yourself as such. Respect yourself and love yourself. We all have been where you are at and felt the crushing feeling you are feeling.

[Olya]

Olya,

I'm sorry to hear the news. It's crushing news. Keep posting, listen and use the advice here.

Thank you. I will.

The faster you pick yourself up and starting DBing the better chance you have at saving your M and yourself.

Right now, I want to save myself. If he ever wants me back, he will have to come crawling and there will be a lot of making up to do. But yes, DBing seems to be the way to get either or both of those things. So, I will keep doing that.

Now on to your H. What does he mean by if, "you come home this weekend he will D you sooner"? In other words he's planning on D you but you have time if you don't show up. That statement is him wanting his cake and eating as well. Sooner, really!!!

He already told me that he wants a divorce. He is staying with me until I finish school and start working. He calls it a "contract marriage."

It's time for you to detach, let him go. Give him space. I know those statements are hard to hear. The faster you move out his way and work on your side the street, the faster you get to healing.

I have. I told him to do whatever he wants and have fun. He promised that no one else will sleep or have sex in our bed. If it comes to that, apparently, they'll go to a hotel.

Stop cooking his food. Stop calling, texting and answering his phone calls. Stop being a convient option for him. He needs to feel what it is like losing you.

I stopped that the day he asked for a divorce.

After today, a few other things will change.

1. He will have to make all of his own arrangements.

2. Any use of credit stops - if he wants a divorce, all our joint liabilities must be resolved beforehand. He will have to make due on $400 a paycheck.

3. His phone will get cancelled before he deploys. If he wants to have a relationship with this woman, she can take out a line for him and pay the international premiums.

4. He will be taking himself to the air field when it's time for him to go. He will also have to make arrangements about his car or whatever other means of transportation he plans to use.

5. There will be no e-mails, texts, care packages, or anything else from me when he is overseas. She can do that for him.

Read up on detachment. Reread it. Don't beat yourself up. This pricess is hard and it takes time.

I'm not. If I am not fun, then he can go find someone who is. The thing about fun is that someone has to take on the responsibilities of day-to-day life. Is he ready to do that? Is she?

You are an awesome woman. Treat yourself as such. Respect yourself and love yourself. We all have been where you are at and felt the crushing feeling you are feeling.

Thank you.

I had some time to think since I posted this.

And I only have one question: What kind of woman is this!?

So, apparently, she understands our situation and that we will remain married for at least another year and a half. Tack on the time it takes to actually get a divorce, and you're looking at half way through 2020 at the earliest.

Now, what does this mean for her?

This means that he has some serious financial obligations.

This means that he is invested enough in his marriage to continue being there for his spouse in some very substantial ways.

He has already told her and his other friends that they will be sleeping on the recliners when they come over - our bed is off limit.

He began talking to her one week after he announced that he wants a divorce. We're not even legally separated. In the span of 3 weeks, she has put herself in the picture, is talking about moving in with him, and is "accepting of the whole situation"?

Also, she works with the DoD at his old duty station. How is she envisioning moving in with him? Does she think she's guaranteed a transfer here? Does she think that she will leave her job and he will be able to support two families?


Dear GOD! LORDY! He went looking for a mistress at a mental infirmary! I feel disgusted by this woman. No, I did not call her a "whore" to him, but that is what she is in a nutshell - a desperate and stupid whore.

[Olya]

His exact words were:

"The premises was to stay married to alleviate any financial burden. You are not fun to have around. I am asking you nicely to have my house for myself and my friends. You do not have to come here. This is not your home anymore. I'm moving on, you need to too.

And I am asking for one weekend. If things go well with this girl, I'm going to want to pursue more. She knows the situation, but if we like each other, we want to live together when I get back. I'm trying to be nice, but I have no interest in sharing a living space with you. Also, all you're doing is convincing me to divorce you early."


And yes, I have the whole conversation saved on my G-mail.

[joejoe1]

Olya,

Whatever this OW is you dont care. Why she is doing what she is doing is not of any concern to you.

Give your H all the space he needs. Is the home he refer to the marital home if so, it belongs to the both of you. Seems to me like he is trying to bully you out the M. Stop talking and responding to him. Cut off all communication.

You are doing a good job so far. You seem to have the concept down, about saving yourself.

Find some hobbies to do besides just going to school. Look on meetup.com for some activities happening in the local area.

[joejoe1]

Oh, don't act out of vengeance, hate or anger.

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Do things that feed the good wolf.

People don't drawn from falling, it's staying in that causes them to die.

Dbing is not about hate or vengeance, DBing is about LOVE. Loving yourself and loving your S. The true test of love is allowing a person to be themselves and allowing a person to choose.

Choose love and shun hate.