How do you suggest I field it if she continues to make friendly overtures? I agree that I don't want to accept, but I don't want to come off as if I'm punishing her either. Saying "We won't be hanging out while you're with OM sounds hurt and vindictive".
One of the things my coach really emphasized is that she's convinced herself she's being respectful. In that she moved out before physically consummating the relationship, and she told me about it.
He stressed that I want to pull back, but coming off like I'm punishing her or trying to control her never works.
I was concerned that saying "As long as you're with OM I don't want to see you" sounds like I'm still trying to control things. Not establishing a boundary.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Ok I get it now......I don't think it is punishing you are enforcing your personal boundaries.
If it was me I would pull way back, follow Sandi's rules. Only interact with her about finances and I guess your dogs. No small talk, no chit chat, only respond to actionable texts and if you have to respond to a text because she asks you a questions keep it short to Yes, no, sounds good, thank you, etc. Never initiate conversation unless it is absolutely critical. No excuses, hold the line.
I would pull back, head in the complete opposite direction. If she asks if anything is wrong say "No, everything is good" if she pushes further and asks why your being short or not as talkative etc. then you can let her know that while she is in an A with OM you will be keeping your interactions to strictly business which includes finances and the dogs.
I don't like just making the statement without her initiating the conversation first. Make sense?
She might not even ask......when I pulled way back my W never moved closer. She never inquired.
Thanks, that does make sense. MY W has been attempting to move closer and make plans with me since she moved out. I've been pulling back.
When she told me about OM, she asked if I still wanted to climb with her or I needed time. I said "I need time".
She has also been asking "are you OK, I mean how are you really" and things like that. Offering hugs, etc.. She's essentially trying to convince herself of how big and loving she's being. I suspect she even believes it.
When she asked what I needed (after telling me about OM) and I said "nothing you can give me", Chuck said I was punishing her and that that was very counter productive.
She's said several times that she "wants to stay friends" though and she still occasionally makes friendly overtures toward me, so I suspect she will bring it up.
Me, H-39, W-33 T11, M3 No children Bomb 10/17 - "Not sure what she wants" Bomb 2 12/17 - forced convo it did not go well. W moved out 3/18 OM Confirmed 4/1 D Final 9/27/18
Remember the mantra is actions not words.......I would not offer up words unless she presses.
No...you do not want to climb with her.
There is no reason to hug her or for that matter contact her.
When she asks if you are ok.....yes, I am doing great. Offer nothing more...if she asks what's going on keep it vague.
I agree with C you made that statement out of anger but that's ok don't sweat it. If she asks what you need moving forward just a simple I am fine, I am doing well and don't need anything thanks for asking. I gotta run now take care.
Always end the conversation don't hang around or linger.
Years from now you might be able to be cordial but that is pipe dream right now. She is carrying guilt and is trying smooth things over.
Since you are separated the only action you have is to completely go as dark as you can until you are tired of limbo and get to the point that your ready to file yourself.
Oh and 1 more thing.....get jacked, listen to angry music that motivates you, reach down deep and nut up. New clothes, new hair cut time to transform yourself into an ass kicking machine that has nothing to do with a cheater. Just be nice and friendly about it.
She has also been asking "are you OK, I mean how are you really" and things like that. Offering hugs, etc.. She's essentially trying to convince herself of how big and loving she's being. I suspect she even believes it.
So manipulative. My W was so affectionate after BD. I think she was trying to make sure I was reeled in solidly as Plan B. I remember a few weeks in I even pointed out how affectionate she had been (because she had become completely unaffectionate) after BD. She said: "Well, I knew you were hurting."
I think you are right, it is a way of alleviating the guilt she is feeling. You seem like a pretty emotionally strong person, remember your strength!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Wow, this is spot on. After discovering the affair, and W moving out in Oct. SHe did this type of thing. affection given "because i know its what you want" despite knowing i know its not what she wanted. She felt guilty and was trying to balm my hurt, all the while living at her moms and continuing the affair. That was all in Dec. She has been NC since Late Jan, so that didn't last long.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Please take J9 advice. Don't offer up explanations if your W don't ask for one. And keep your explanations short. Your life is about actions now. Not words. Hit the gym or the road, get in shape and change up your look. Where tighter shirts as you get fitter. Buy new shoes. Wear different smell goods. Get a different hair cut. Get out and do things by yourself and with friends.
Enjoy life! A.k.a GAL
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
