For the past almost two years I have been living with my girlfriend. Well about a couple weeks ago we broke up. So I got my own place. I put up a FB post informing people that my address has changed and to message me to update their records and asked that they refrain from sending any mail to my girlfriend's house.
Now as you know from my last update, my WAW had moved back home from FL. Well the next day after my FB post I get a text from WAW telling me that she had found some old photo albums of mine. Ironically about a year of so ago I and found a photo album of hers that was very important to her family. So she asked whom she could drop it off to. I said we could just meet up as it would be very nice to see her again after just about 4 years. So we chatted for awhile...I was confident and remembered all my divorce busting practices from 4 years ago now.
So she agreed to meet up to catch up and we started discussing a time and place. Funny is that WAW said to bring my girlfriend. That kind of threw me. So that's when I said what girlfriend. She said she was referring to Mary, my now ex. So WAW asked what happened and I told her I had to break up with her, that I was tired of her BS and that she just didn't appreciate my awesomeness. WAW got a chuckle from that. So anyway I didn't seem over eager and said I wouldn't have time until three days later. So that night came and I went to her place...
I got lost trying to find the place so she said to call her. So I did. I simply cannot describe how strange it was to actually hear her voice again. I'm sure she had to have felt the same way. So we had a nice night hanging out and talking for three hours or so. However, at one point she said she didn't think it would be healthy for either of us if we talked every day. So I just nodded. Then we just started taking about other things. So when it was time for me to leave she said "Okay well I love you." "I love you." I can't remember how I replied for some reason but I probably reciprocrated. So I left. The next day she sends me a text saying how we could have chatted for hours...so many years of memories. She told me to take good care of myself and until our paths crossed again. I simply replied with "Ditto!" and left it at that. That was about 10 days ago now. So a pretty big update to this thread. Can't believe back then 4 years ago how I was convinced there was no way I could live on...and now I think back to all that's happened in the past 4 years... unbelievable...still...as much as I loved my ex girlfriend, which turned out to be friendship love I was saddened to learn...deep down I still love my WAW and just tried to bury it...I've just learned to live with it. We'll see what happens next...much better WAW is at least local again.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
Hi ItHurts, good to hear from you. Wow, four years! Time flies when you're having fun, right? I couldn't help but laugh at your XW. She still plays those games with you! She wants to emotionally snuggle up and then throw up her hands and claim that it's probably not healthy.
Anyway, I am sorry to hear about your breakup.......if you didn't want it. However, you've learned that life goes on after breakups. ((hugs))
There are some newcomers here who could probably benefit from hearing how you handled it, b/c they are struggling with just the thought of moving on without their W.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey ItHurts, glad to hear you are doing well! Very interesting about your XW moving back to the area and then recently reaching out to you like that. Sounds like you didn't let yourself get carried away on hopes and dreams so that's good! I'm curious what your thoughts are on if she starts pursuing you? I would suggest staying radio silent, but I suspect she will reach out again.
ItHurts, I just went back and read your first post, about your story. Amazing how exact to the pattern our WASs stick. Many of the things your XW said to you, my WAW said to me. The only difference is that she never followed through on her plan for D, and we seem to be progressing towards R at this point.
Thanks for posting again so that I could see your story. While it wasn't the outcome you were probably hoping for, the end of the story is still unwritten!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well Stander, if WAW started pursuing me I would act like I was real busy but "squeeze" her in somewhere. In reality I'd be doing the Snoopy dance in private! Maybe she will who knows?
I sure hope you're right Steve!! It would be immensely awesome to R but we'll see. It seems I'm far away from that still.
Yes the pain the first few months is simply hell...hopeless...it just devastates you. But you will survive and soon you'll look back at it without that hopeless pain. Now don't get me wrong here, I've realized that I do indeed still love my WAW. I knew that back then. But instead of leaving that love behind, I still want to carry it with me. It's almost like when you Lisa someone to death...it initially devastates you, but eventually you just get used to it, like a new normal where you still love them but you just get used to life without them. Once you get past that devouring initial pain, you realize that we humans are indeed creatures of habit...we naturally adapt and get used to things.
But yes, I still love my WAW very much and will always hope for R but I must say... even after 4 years since that last time I laid eyes on her ( which is documented somewhere in this 5-part thread in the summer 2014 entries) I wasn't as blown away seeing her again in the way I envisioned it would be at times over the past 4 years. It was great, but I didn't feel weak. I looked great, exuded confidence, etc. This was IT to me! Time to show her how 4 years later, I'm pretty awesome. I mentioned that to her when she asked what happened with Mary...I said she didn't appreciate my awesomeness LOL!
Admittedly I was a bit taken aback by the "it probably wouldn't be healthy for either of us to talk every dsy" remark but I just blew that off because again, she can't threaten me with life without her this time...I already got that thanks. Personally I think she knows damned well that if she spends any extended period of time with me she's going to fall for me again...and she doesn't want to. Just my theory. I think after two years of NC, NC is pretty much done so I might send her a text in a week or so. Just a sentence to make her laugh. Nothing more. He'll, I'm single, she's single, she's local, and of course I know she still loves me.
Anyway I hope newbies read my history here...I've updated every time something WAW related happened so my story is pretty detailed if I recall. I truly hope it helps people, without this message board, I would've been lost. I look back and remember how many hours I would spend here... passing time to heal was important. I love all these people here...very special to me as they were my guide to the light back when it was so brutally, painfully dark in the months after the bomb was dropped.
Of course I will keep everyone posted and welcome any advice on my new situation.
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
ItHurts, the "it probably wouldn't be healthy for either of us to talk every day" comment tells me two things.
One, she was considering it! For her to verbalize that seems to suggest it was on her mind, that seeing you unlocked something and she had a yearning to have you back into her life in more frequent way.
Two, that she was feeling you out. To see if you would be open to having more frequent contact with her.
It is almost as if she was trying to convince herself that it would be a bad idea!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well Stander, if WAW started pursuing me I would act like I was real busy but "squeeze" her in somewhere.
Great plan!
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Admittedly I was a bit taken aback by the "it probably wouldn't be healthy for either of us to talk every day" remark but I just blew that off because again, she can't threaten me with life without her this time...I already got that thanks.
I agree with Steve, it sounds like a temperature check. She wanted you to pursue a bit probably, try to tell her why you SHOULD talk every day. Your reaction of just blowing it off was the right one. Well done!
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Personally I think she knows damned well that if she spends any extended period of time with me she's going to fall for me again...and she doesn't want to.
Yeah I would imagine she's afraid to go there again, afraid things will just play out like they did before. But you're showing her a different "you" so that could eventually be the deciding factor for her.
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I think after two years of NC, NC is pretty much done so I might send her a text in a week or so.
Well that's right, NC never brings people back together, it is strictly to help the LBS cope with losing the WAS. It's to help them recover. You're beyond that point so NC is no longer needed. Of course like you said above you don't want to be too easily available, but pinging her isn't going to hurt anything.
If you do want a recon, and many many do, the thing is she cannot assume waltzing back in is the way to do it.
I don't know your background story or what you feel your own role in it was.
So, I'd pull back b/c YOU are the one who had to heal a broken heart. Not her (I assume).
I think a lasting recon is very uncommon. NOT impossible but really hard to do b/c the appeal of jumping back in "the way it was before" will NOT WORK and I'm living proof of that.
My x SAID the things to recon that he needed to say (probably meant at the time)
but in a short amount of time, in incremental ways, he repeated the old behaviors until they were flat out IN MY FACE the same dang thing and I had to file.
HOWEVER
maybe if I had made it harder to recon (not in anger) but in constructive concrete ways where we could find out what his issues OR what his real values were and whether he wanted to change them to realign our values.
In the end, my x did NOT share my values about family and marriage. If he had, we would not be divorced. But I spent a ton of energy maintaining the illusion that he was as invested in our marriage and family, as I was.
Somehow I just did not really accept this difference between us - till the past year.
I had wracked my brain trying to understand why or how he could do what he was doing. For years I had paced back & forth in my head, asking "WHY WHY WHY??"
Until it hit me, that's b/c I would wrack MY Brain to understand ME doing those things, but I never did those things and I never would,
but x h did. And that is NOT because of an MLC; it's because x and I do not share the same values. His moral compass is very different than mine.
I mistook his IQ and hard work for character and loyalty.
But I digress.
And FTR, I have 2 family members remarry their former spouses and it was better the second time
so it happens. I read 6% of couples remarry their exes and I read that 12% do.
(That's 1 in 16 to 1 in 8.) When asked IF one should reconcile...maybe we ought to ask
"why was there a divorce originally?"
AND why is there a chance to reconcile? (Cannot be b/c plan B, or not enough money as a single person, etc)
AND finally, HOW to reconcile so it will last.
But yes, I know for a fact it can happen
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Some good points here. Those here that are familiar with my story might understand a bit more but the reason for our divorce was mainly two things, she lost her identity trying to constantly please me...and I didn't have enough sense to notice that and change it before things went bad. However I think our problems were very fixable...since I was the main problem. I recognize my issues so much more clearly now but somehow I was totally blind to it back then. This plus constant, serious, financial issues made her just snap one day which eventually led to her leaving me after almost 20 years.
Obviously my story has much more detail to it but that's already documented here in 5 or 6 threads...so I summarized it above.
Yes, I'd love to see an R because I truly believe we could and would get it right this time. Otherwise I wouldn't be kidding myself 4 years later. So please, if anyone thinks I shouldn't please speak up (especially site veterans like Sandi who have been following my story for 4 years now) but I think it's a good idea to try and maintain some kind of contact...even if it's just a funny one sentence text. Of course no relationship talk at all..I'll be playing it like I want to be friends and have my own stuff going on. But just because I want to keep me in her head. I got nothing to lose and then I'll vanish again for a month or so. Play it cool as a cucumber. Plus as i said earlier...I don't have that impediment of fear of living without her anymore as I did back then for sure. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. Thoughts and advice?
ME: 43 W:44 M 13 years on 5-5-01 T 18 years BD 4/27/14 D papers served 5/5/14 (how appropriate a date) WAW moved out 5/12/14 Papers filed 6/27/14 Divorce granted 07/17/14 Our marriage ends 11/17/14
I read once, from one of the online "gurus" on how to get back with an ex, that if an ex wife is interested in reconsiliation, you shouldn't expect her to do the work. Women don't do that. They will just drop a hint and wait to see if the XH mans up and initiate.
If you truly believe that it was you that was the main problem in the marriage, and there was no infidelity or bad behavior on her behalf that requires remorse, humility etc (I haven't read your sitch) then maybe you need to keep the contact going.
It seems that your XW dropped a hint doesn't it? Right after you became single. Anyway, your life, your choice, your outcome. So take the advice or don't.
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
