I have seen my name/situation referenced a couple of times recently so thought I would show my face and provide an update of sorts.
Everything is going very well. Better than it ever has been really - but to be honest this has probably got to do with my growth personally rather than me fixing anything with our relationship. I will say it again, the advise I got on here 100% helped shape the situation I find myself in today - so to all those that helped thank you once again.
Just a bit of guidance/clarification to all the newer members I would like to offer.
The information that you will receive on here from more senior members is invaluable. The key however is not to simply think "If I follow these steps, then everything will be ok", but to understand that there is a fundamental flaw in the way that you have conducted yourself in both your personal life and within the relationship that has led to this situation that needs brutal honesty to identify and address.
Not all relationships can or will be saved - there is no magic wand - however, the quicker people actually "get it" and understand that only their authentic self will attract and keep a partner happy the better.
There has been a couple of posters who have commented that one of the main reasons I was able to recon, was due to the fact that my W hadn't checked out fully and was "open" to the idea of coming back. While I 100% agree that having both children and an active third party involved would make things 10x times worse - Make no mistake about it - my W had gone. If the situation wasn't handled in the correct manner I would be divorced now.
After speaking to my W since, I am aware of the reasons she came back. So it can provide an insight into other similar situations and provide hope to the LBS.
In a nutshell, its totally accepting the relationship is gone, giving them space to breath and only responding to communication when is appropriate. All the efforts to save the relationship - pleading and begging simply puts further nails into the coffin. The reason some people fail in my opinion is because doing what I mention feels painful, risky and totally against what feels natural to do.
You will never run from pain. You can do things to ignore it - but it will always manifest itself in another form. The only way out - is through.
When you let go of trying to convince someone to stay and focus on you and you alone, the right people will be pulled towards you. If its your ex partner great.. If not you move on and make your next relationship better.
There is no such thing as failure, just another lesson if you want to accept it.
Some might feel "oh that’s easy for you to say" - No it wasn’t, I contemplated tying a rope in the garage a number of times.. It was really really bad. I have been there and I know how some of you feel so I hope that you can find some strength that if you start to authentically live through your true self and not through the labels you have created for yourself such as "husband" or "provider" or "accountant" or whatever, dropping that mental baggage will allow you to love yourself which will reflect outwards to other people.
Finally, to the ones that followed my story, my relationship with my parents was so so poor and mentally abusive. Now we get dinner each Tuesday evening and my mum even called round for chat on Sunday for 3 hours and it felt as natural as possible. A mum that is now proud of what I have done.
This is from a mum who laughed when it first happened "see, even your wife wants to leave you - when are you ever going to change?"
So its about changing your life not your relationship.
Change you.. And your relationship, both family and romantic will change without you actively trying to fix things directly… its bizarre how it all works.. But alas.. It does.
