Such a stupid - expensive - PAINFUL - (to me AND to our children & even to HIM, unless he's completely insane/moronic - Ending...
and yet, every time I hear that there is trouble in paradise with him or OW, or I find a funny memory of us, or I find myself with loving emotions and then LOSS of course, (was he THE love of my life? Like, the ONLY one?) it's like a scab gets torn off.
AND on occasion I even find myself wondering about a recon..."what would it take??"
and I really have to slap myself hard to remember, "Oh yeah...he sure was great, we were so well suited and and and ---- AND HE WAS ALSO really terrible and so oblivious..."
Lacking empathy is the hallmark of a narcissist. Even if he faced his losses and the pain HE inflicted and tried to make amends,
the lack of empathy would mean I'm always at risk for deep heartache. I don't think you can fix a lack of empathy. ??
IF he does not lack empathy but hides from the pain he actually feels for causing so much...
then the amount of compartmentalizing he must do to suppress the guilt and remorse I WOULD HAVE in his shoes...
Ah but this is circular. He is not who I thought he was and he does not share my values
so that, is that. Ugh.
It's as if settling and getting the money makes me face the END of the end...if that makes sense.
How can I really let another man into my heart? I'm not very afraid of being hurt b/c I know I'll never be hurt like this again.
It's more like, how can I give my heart to another man, fully? I don't think I have it in me.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
