Havn't been posting in awhile, the roller coaster ride from hell has finally come to an end. I signed off this mornign on my marriage of 20+ years to what was supposed to be my partner for life, unfortunately she didn't feel the same way. The divorce process was tiring and stressfull at times and filled with a bunch of anger towards my XW because of her actions and the multiple(yes multiple) men she was engaging with and yet she continued to blame and accuse me of being this bad person and parent which I just don't understand and will probably never fully come to grips with it.
Througout this entire process I have come to this site looking for answers trying to find out what went wrong, trying to save my marriage and keep my family together, I did everything wrong for the first 3/4 months, I pursued, I begged, I pleaded for her to change her mind knowing full well that all of you told me not to. I did all the work(180's) on everything my XW said was wrong with me, I just didn't accept the fact that this was for me, not to keep her. Once I realized the true meaning of GAL is when I started to make a change, FOR ME, I have becoame a better parent, a better father that my kids want to be around all the time, my daughter actually asked my XW last week if she could stay and xtra day with dad becasue she did want to be at moms and she missed me! My kids send me messages when they are with mom that they can't wait to come to my house, how can this be?? My XW told me last year that the "kids don't want to be with you becuase you are a bad parent" I realized that I needed to be better and I am so happy that I am making the needed changes to be the best I can for them.
When I sat at my attorney's office this morning I had zero emotion to the end of a great marriage, I wasn't sad or depressed but as the day went on I realized that I have so much to look forward in my life and I can make it exactly how I want it to be. Financially everything worked out for the best for both of us, no one got screwed over, I kept my home and the kids are extremely happy for that, my kids do struggle from time to time but I will be getting them with another IC to help them when needed. I have a lot of work still to do on myself to get me to a place that one day maybe I will jump back into a releationship but that is so far from any thougth right now. My kids will always be my #1 priority so I need to make sure they are ok before I entertain another relationship.
I am looking forward to some warmer weather to get outside and have an entirely new outlook on life. Thanks to all that have given me adivce on how to act and what to do. This all was to save myself, not my marriage, I think i'll be ok with the tools I now have!
It's been 2 days now being a single divorced dad and not much has changed, still working on myself as I will see my IC today and continue my time in the gym, strong mind and body is helping me get through this! My sister asked me today if I told my kids or my anyone else and to be honest I completely forgot, the entire divorce process between the XW and I was uneventful, I just wanted out the last few months and not going to a mediator or to court probably had everything to do with that. I basically got an email from my lawyer informing me that I am officially divorced. I should probably sit down with my kids and let them know.
In the end I gave it my all, I was a good husband and father( I will now focus on being a great dad) , I did everything for my kids and my W, unfortunately my XW and I forgot each other in the process. I at least stayed true to my beliefs and did not stray in my marriage, I can rest my head at night with a clear conscious.
Welcome, Dusty! I didn't leave a fancy welcome gift like Lady V did, but she's a super classy and cool lady. Good for you for focusing on being a great dad and for taking care of yourself as well. That is super important. Good luck!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Not sure if anyone will even respond as there doesn't seem to be too much traffic in this forum.
The reason for even seeking some advice is that I don't know who to talk to other than the people on this site that have been through all this. So here goes.....
My X wife's sister died last week unexpectedly, this has been a shock to her family and of course I am very sad about this as I've known this woman for over 25 years. I am still close with my X's family but I am unsure as to what I should do??? I was planning on going to the funeral but should I go to the visitation, the luncheon after the funeral??? I'm not sure, I don't want there to be any uncomfortable situations for my X. Not that I care how she feels but for her family.
Also, I'm sure I will be seeing the very encouraging best friends of my X who convinced her that she was doing the right thing and even setting her up with guys while we were going through the divorce process. I'm just not sure how to act, my inner anger that I am working so hard on, but the thought of seeing these people(the friends) just has me uneasy.
I think I just need to put my feelings aside and be there for my kids! Maybe that's the best approach.
I think I just need to put my feelings aside and be there for my kids! Maybe that's the best approach.
dusty70,
I'm the last person who should be giving you advice about your particular situation, but...if you are close to your XW's family, maybe it would be a good idea to discuss it with them.
Having said that, I know what I'd do; I'd go to the funeral and stir up trouble and and all of my bad behavior would just confirm everything the naysayers said about me. Don't do that. If you don't think you can keep yourself under control, then don't go; just send your kids and your condolences.
I suppose there doesn't seem to be much traffic because you can only post so much about what you are doing, and once you get past trying to save your M, things calm down considerably. So being that we are not always needing advice on how to handle every situation that comes up, you will find updates being less frequent. But with that said, I think quite a few of us visit often to read any updates.
As for the funeral, if you are able to attend and make/keep the focus on your SIL and the families grieving then I think it is totally appropriate for you to attend and honor your SIL's life. If you're concerned about the "families" (I quote that because I believe you are her family) reaction, then maybe reach out to her mother or father and let them know you would like to attend and wanted to let them know ahead of time.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
You may note that Fogg faced this issue last weekend with his ex W, who behaved atrociouslying at his Grandma funeral and actually took OM2.
My own thoughts are it's fine to go to the funeral itself be discrete in where you sit, pay your respects. Drop in at the wake for a short while then bow out. It's to pay your respects not to be social. If your kids stay you may want to pick them up later.
It's how you are and behave that is important.
I went to H2 mums funeral (not the wake), sat further back and simply offered my condolences on the sad loss. I thought it would be awkward, it wasn't. Made my escape, apologies not able to attend wake, mumble, mumble.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I haven't had to face this situation yet, but if I were in your shoes, I would go to the visitation and pay my respects/condolences to the family. I would also attend the funeral and like V said, just find a discrete spot, pay your respects after and go. You have know this person for a long time and were a part of her immediate family at one point. Go for your kids, but also because it is the right thing to do to be the bigger person and just pay your respects to the family.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
