No more denial, time to get to work

[sandi2]

Since then she's pushed me further and further away, and I'm not handling it well. I made the mistake of asking her what's changed. She has said that it's not fair of her to ask me to be her friend. That she 100% wants to be my friend, but it's just not fair to ask that from me. I told her that I just want to interact with the real her, not some front that she's putting up, and I'll decide what is best and fair for me.

I have to agree with her. It's not fair to ask you to be her friend. Although you think you want it, that's not actually all you want. You are feeling desperate, and sorry to say......it shows in your response to her. Here's the thing, the two of you would look at the friendship in different ways. You would always be hoping (and analyzing) that it was leading to something closer than just friends. She, on the other hand, thinks of you as her BFF and does not desire you as a H.

I'm hanging on every word! I see it and I know I shouldn't, but I can't help myself.

Yes, you can. (I'm saying this lovingly). You can change those actions. Don't confuse actions with emotions. It's your desire to hang onto every word and analyze everything.

I've always been an over-analyzer. I dwell on the bad things happening in my life or the wrongs that I did that day. It's been my nature since I was 8 years old. I'm trying to change it.

Okay, what are you doing to change it? You have to be proactive about it.

I'm just having a hard time convincing myself that detaching is different than not loving. I know it's not the same thing, but whenever I start to feel somewhat detached I panic and reach back for that strong, loving emotion that I've had for her for so long. Our old relationship is dead, I know that but I can't let it go. It's almost like an addiction.

The voice that says you can't help yourself, is the same voice that says detaching is not loving. I can't remember if you are seeing an IC, but it might be benefitical if you could have a few sessions to guide you through this process of letting go. You are actually experiencing fear whenever you consider the possibility of losing the relationship. You can't imagine.......or don't want to think of having a life without her in it.

I completely believe she is not talking to OM behind my back

From where I sit, this looks like denial. Just like you not wanting to snoop, b/c you are afraid of what you'll see. Your emotions had rather live in denial, then to be faced with the painful truth. If she has him waiting in the wing.........I'm pretty sure she'll make some type of contact with him, if nothing else, to keep him.

Basically, I oscillate between being angry with W for being so weak and doing this to our family and then remembering just how strong she can be and how great we are together and missing her. I know this is bad, and I need to make my own world and be happy in it. I cannot have my mood depend on my latest interactions with W. I know that I need to detach to save myself. I even think I know how to do that. I need to gather the strength and actually do it and stick with it. Knowing might be half the battle, but doing it seems to be the more difficult half for me.

Your feelings are normal. The two of you have been together a long time. I think you have a good chance at staying together........but whatever she's going through needs time. How long has she been in IC?

BTW, good job at GAL. Keep up the good work.