I´ve been travelling a bit together with my son, which have been great!
What it comes to relationship front, it´s not that simple. I realize how I´ve been emotionally quite unstable and I´m trying to learn to stand steadily on my own two feet.
It´s funny how on the other hand I feel the excitement of stepping into single lifestyle and on the other hand I would so desperately want to get back together with W.
What I see that I miss the most is the feeling of safety and unity. I remember when we were travelling with car as a family how I used to think that whatever would happen in the world right now, I have everyone who I love the most in this car. We would not need anyone else. Without W that feeling is gone forever. The kids would always need their mother even if we would not be together. Weird anecdote I know, but it´s about feelings. The other thing I would lose for good with my W is the possibility to the "love for life". I´m a big fan of this concept, and it´s not possible with anyone else anymore...
I´ve recognized something familiar from other threads I´ve red. I have started to see faults also in my wife what it comes to problems in our relationship. I have used to blame myself for majority of things, but now I see more that my wife was not that perfect either. However, much of the guilt is still there, since I have tendency to think that she probably would have been better, if I would have been better before. That´s actually how it always went - I needed to always change first.
What it comes to things between us, it´s still status quo. W texts me almost daily of how she feels empty without us, but how she still fears of "losing herself" if she would be in R with me. She also continues analyzing why everything happened as it happened - how she felt inferiority and inadequacy in our marriage and how she exhausted herself in trying to be enough for me. I never knew this before, so I´ve tried to validate her feelings without going too deep.
We never went to that last therapy session together, but I went alone and she went alone once and goes again this Friday. The future plans of MC are still pending... I have said that I do not see point in MC if she don´t want to find something new between us. Also, I have not put in motion my plan of cutting financial support for two reasons: there is no sign of OM and I fear that it would be the last nail to the coffin. Maybe that´s weak, but I wanted to wait for the outcome of her individual therapy session at Friday about if she still wants to find us or not.
I guess not, but if she would, I have started to realize that what kind of changes I would need to see in her before I could think of a new relationship with her.
So, in short - I´m still not detached, but something hopefully is going to right direction...
