LBW, H in MLC and with OW - part 3

[BluWave]

Good for you, Meg! Be strong. Set boundaries. I know it's hard to do with a broken heart, and when feeling down and vulnerable, but it can be done! That is why the GAL is so, so crucial right now. As you care for yourself and nurture yourself first (and before your R with him) you can slowly build your confidence back.

And while you don't do this to win him back, as it's done, he will naturally be more drawn to you. Right now, if he knows he can have you (while cheating on you) the natural consequence is he loses some respect for you. IF he sees that you are taking care of you, getting stronger, and moving on without him, well that will give him the most pause. It is okay for them to think they are losing you.

I see a lot of hope in your sitch. I really do. That is why I am posting and coming down hard on you. Your H still seems to want to be with you and is very attracted to you. Often when the wayward goes off, they do a complete 180, and they will even rewrite history and become nasty to the LBS.

Here is the hardest thing in this. These sitches can take a very, very long time to unfold. There is no magic wand, even if we follow the rules and DB perfectly. For example, the timeline on my sitch was 1.5 years (before he came back) and we just hit 3 years of piecing. We are still a work in progress.

The reason I come here and post is because as I see it, this is the only thing you can do when your S leaves you. Crying, begging and bargaining does not bring them back. Lashing out, threatening, and running to file D doesn't bring them back. Also, competing with the A, nicing your way back, or trying hard to win them over and show them you have changed doesn't work either.

The reason DBing does work it because you learn to control the only thing you can control and that is you. You learn to pick yourself up (because let's face it, they have kicked us down) and you start to work on being that person you have always wanted to be. You start to do all the things that you have wanted to do again and you only do them for one reason. You know you are worth it, and no one else will do them for you! You also practice extreme self care (therapy, long walks, meditation, yoga, or whatever you need), and you start to slowly over time feel better. As you feel better, your confidence grows and you realize you don't really need them. We don't actually need anyone. And you especially don't need anyone that could treat you so cruel as he has. You know you deserve better.

This not only helps you grow and change, but it helps in all your relationships around you. It becomes a way of life. This was the silver lining in my sitch. I know now don't actually need him, or any man, to be okay. I like myself more now than I did before BD. I want to be with him (most of the time), which is very different than needing him. So you start be reading Cadet's HW again with a new set of lenses, a fresh perspective. And then you follow the rules. You will make mistakes, and then you shake it off, and each day the clock starts over.

So right now, H takes a back seat. Keep him there no matter how many crumbs he throws! Don't let him manipulate you or keep you as plan B anymore. Don't worry about him going anywhere, he has already left. YOU CONTINUE ON THE PATH OF TEAM MEG. This takes time, he has really hurt you and betrayed you.

Here is the secondary gain; if you can follow the rules, DB, GAL like crazy, and learn to 180, over time, your H will see and like the new and improved you. YOU DO THIS WITH CONSISTENT ACTIODS OVER TIME, NOT BY TELLING HIM. Ignore those texts, his pouting, and you give him no attention. You can be polite and civil, but you go away and go dark. Be a little mysterious and do not be available to him.

Don't worry about him getting mad. Good, let him see he does't control you. You are too busy being fabulous. While this is happening, he also begins to realize that he is the fool that let you go! He will undoubtedly start second guessing himself. Over time, his limerance with OW will most likely wear off. This process doesn't feel natural, but it's the only way IMO.

Does that make sense? Can you go dark (only communicate about kids/finances/emergencies) and drop the rope?

Blu