No more denial, time to get to work

[MRay]

Hi Sandi, thanks for caring. I'm doing okay. I really thought having the time away from W would help me keep this off my mind, but I failed miserably. I was doing good until we had that week or so of real friendship again where W was finally being herself around me. It just reminded me of how damn good we can be together. Since then she's pushed me further and further away, and I'm not handling it well. I made the mistake of asking her what's changed. She has said that it's not fair of her to ask me to be her friend. That she 100% wants to be my friend, but it's just not fair to ask that from me. I told her that I just want to interact with the real her, not some front that she's putting up, and I'll decide what is best and fair for me. She responded that everything will be fine on Monday because she'll go back to work and everything will be normal because work is normal. I said well why isn't home normal (stupid question)? What did I do to make you so sad at home (another more stupid question)? She loudly proclaimed, "What makes you think it's about you!" Then more calmly, "You've done nothing wrong. I don't want to hurt you. This is all on me." She's been pretty down since she went to her therapy session a couple weeks ago. I think IC told her that it is highly unlikely that we'll be able to stay close friends and that burst her bubble of having me as her best friend while she goes out and experiences new relationships. She also said she is back to where she doesn't know what she wants, but that when she figures it out she'd let me know (she was quite angry and sad when she said this). I know this means she wants it all and is trying to figure out how to get it.

I'm hanging on every word! I see it and I know I shouldn't, but I can't help myself. I've always been an over-analyzer. I dwell on the bad things happening in my life or the wrongs that I did that day. It's been my nature since I was 8 years old. I'm trying to change it. I'm just having a hard time convincing myself that detaching is different than not loving. I know it's not the same thing, but whenever I start to feel somewhat detached I panic and reach back for that strong, loving emotion that I've had for her for so long. Our old relationship is dead, I know that but I can't let it go. It's almost like an addiction.

I think something that's holding me back is that I know she has OM waiting in the wings. I have not snooped since I discovered the EA in early February. Mostly because I know I wouldn't find anything as W is very smart and could easily hide it. This is a boundary that I have set with her. If she is interacting with him in any way beyond what is required for work (which is very little), then I am done. She would be out of the house, and we would have no interaction beyond exchanging the kids. I completely believe she is not talking to OM behind my back. I know she has had some required minor dealings with him at work, but never alone. She volunteered this information to me. She doesn't go out with friends. She doesn't drink or party. If she didn't have him waiting, I think it would be a lot easier to let her go and let her realize what she is giving up. I know that I will leave giant shoes to fill, and she'll realize just what she has lost eventually. I think the limerence is truly blinding her. But again, this is all about her. I know I should be focusing on me! I know! I keep yelling at myself to focus on me! I can't (and don't want to) control her!

The biggest thing that is just killing me is D6 has definitely realized something is going on, and is feeling her world being ripped apart. She is doing things like drawing pictures of Mommy and Daddy together with hearts between us and giving it to me and wanting me to show it to W. I'm pretty sure she thinks it will help put us back together. She is also acting out a lot more than usual. She is very concerned that we are sleeping apart. I am an emotional guy, and I have been pretty good at staying strong in front of W. I don't think showing a little emotion is weakness, but when D6 is clearly hurting and worried it just kills me and makes me very angry.

So what about my GAL? Well I just got back from a trip out of town. W has IC session Wednesday evening, which is usually when I meet some friends for happy hour. So I'll be heading to a movie Thursday night instead. I missed a week of workouts, so I'm going to hit that hard and set some real goals now. I am currently 6' 180 lbs, and in high school I was quite the athlete at a healthy 215. My long term goal is to add 20 lbs of muscle to make it to 200. W is going to prom Saturday (required duty for many of the teachers, and I'm pretty sure OM will be there so that's fantastic). She's going to wear a dress I bought her before this whole mess started and she's going out with one of her friends (another female teacher that has to go that I am close with and trust) to get dinner and mani/pedi's beforehand. She's finally doing something for herself, something that I've always encouraged. W was recently looking at a photo of when we went to prom together and quietly asked herself where that boy had gone. She didn't know I was coming around the corner and heard her and I said he's right here. She was startled, smiled at me and said I know, but I don't know where that girl has gone. She looked pretty sad, and I told her that I was sure she'd find her again someday and become an even better version of herself. Back on topic, so I'm taking my kids out to dinner that night, which I'm trying to make a regular thing (S3 makes this quite difficult sometimes).

Basically, I oscillate between being angry with W for being so weak and doing this to our family and then remembering just how strong she can be and how great we are together and missing her. I know this is bad, and I need to make my own world and be happy in it. I cannot have my mood depend on my latest interactions with W. I know that I need to detach to save myself. I even think I know how to do that. I need to gather the strength and actually do it and stick with it. Knowing might be half the battle, but doing it seems to be the more difficult half for me.