I'm so sorry. There is a saying that if it smells like chit, it's chit. Quite simply, trust your instincts. Always. Because they are always right. Your gut just knows when there is OW: I knew for months before I had any indications. I just felt something was off.

My advice is to SAY NOTHING. Right now that would only blow up the situation and make things worse. He will lie and get more defensive. Then he will further cover his tracks. In the mean time, you can quietly gather more intel and save the proof. Unexplained purchases are one of the biggest red flags.

Everything you describe indicates he is having an A. This also explains his blame shifting and trying to put the focus on your wrong doings. It's so crummy, yet so predictable. I still think his behavior his abuse (with or without an A). There are plenty of people that have As, that still do not treat their S in the way he has treated you. The way he treats you is awful.

People that have As also tend to be the most jealous and insecure; they don't trust others because they don't actually trust themselves. He is being increasingly abusive and belittling you because he doesn't want to look at his own behavior. Has he ever in the many years you have known him self-reflected, been vulnerable and remorseful for a mistake, and then changed as a result? Personally, I need a partner that is mature enough to do this.

You seem like a very smart woman. I think you should keep this new info close to your vest. He also has basically pulled the (without saying) "I love you, but I am not in love with you" card. i.e. He wants to remain with you as a family, but states he will never love you again. BINGO. This is classic A talk. Most of us on this board heard this when our S was having an A.

Can you keep this to yourself? It's not easy. Can you continue to follow Sandi's rules, detach, and let this unfold while you come up with your plan? Perhaps in the mean time, you can consult an L and get some questions answered. I am not sure you will want to salvage a M with a man like this. He sounds like a miserable and cruel person.

I really am sorry you are tangled in this. Please take good care of yourself!
Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela