Okay, so break this down ^^^^^^^. What do you need to improve about yourself? Can you tell us exactly what areas need improvement, and the steps you'll take?
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Hoping to have her realize that we, both individually and as a couple, have had a horrendous few years, we took it out on each other just because we didn't know how to deal with it. And hoping that eventually she will realize that "giving up" is not the answer, that she truly still loves me and our marriage and chooses to begin the long journey for us to work together as a couple and also individually for ourselves.
Let's back up, b/c you've stopped talking about actual goal setting, and you've gone over into what you want her to think. You can't make goals for another person. You have no control in what they think.
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At present, her goals are to have the in house separation as she is putting together her idea (of which she says she has none yet) of how she is going to work, support herself and make her life without me. Again, I'm giving her the space so she can do this. I believe although she has mourned, thought hard and made her choice that she still hasn't had the true consequences of divorce and how it works click in her mind.
Not to sound rude, but I don't care about "her" goals. I want to know about your goals.
It's not good enough to just say you are going to focus on improving yourself. You have to seriously evaluate yourself and determine the areas that need work. Then you decide on the practical steps to get you there.
For example, if I said I need to focus on being healthier..........I would decide what all that included. I would decide on a healthy diet. I would plan my menus. I would choose an exercise program and set a schedule to allow myself the time for my workout. I would get a support system. I could go on, but you see what I mean.
In order to stop obsessing about your W, you've got to start thinking about yourself. I really am not in favor of in-house separations, but if this is what you've chosen........I will try to support you.
One point I want to make about this plan of separation is that the two of you have different agendas. She did not choose this arrangement as a plan to work on the MR. In-house S is the epitome of cake eating for a WW. Therefore, she will probably be in no hurry to finalize the D, unless she gets a better offer from another man. She can come & go and do as she pleases, without accountability. She has all the financial support and practical security she needs. The M could exsit in this type of arrangement for years.
You, on the other hand, are hoping against all hope that your WW will change her mind. You are hoping you will become good enough for her to want you again. So while she lives however she chooses (considering her health limitations), you will keep the home fires going.........praying that some day she'll get her eyes opened. .
Anyway, think about those goals and share them, okay?
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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