No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

Why is this YOUR problem?

What would she do if you and your car were gone...?

I don't think it is my problem, except that she has an expectation that she can drive my car and her need to do so (for work) trumps any need that I have. Now, she isn't unreasonable, like today she suggested I drive her to work so she doesn't need to take the car all day. Right after her declaration of separation, she made it a point to say she would no longer be driving my car and she would get all of her stuff out of it. It was one of her ways of showing me "this is real". Funny how a week later that becomes inconvenient and she tosses it out the window.

Your question is exactly mine! What would she do? I honestly think she has no idea. Unless she radically changed her habits and stepped up in a major way, her life would fall to shambles. One of her biggest concerns after the BD talk was that I was going to pack up and leave suddenly and leave her to fix the fence in the yard by herself! I'm not kidding, of all the possible consequences of wanting to end our marriage, that was the only one she directly voiced and addressed. This is why part of me has the urge to throw up my hands and say, here have your separation and your freedom. Live your single life that you think will be such paradise and you will realize just how much I do and take care of for you.

But, I actually think she already knows this. She doesn't need a wake up call. She has made her decision despite knowing she will lose a major support system. Rather, more to your point, I have to prevent her from taking advantage of that support system while I'm still here. I don't think she is really trying to take advantage. She wants independence. But when it becomes inconvenient, her safety net is much too close and reliable.

My problem is that I'm too nice, I still love her, and I don't want conflict. I'm already kicking myself for confronting her about the texting, it really doesn't make me want to go confront her about being useless and not addressing her car problems. Similarly, if I just tell her sorry she can't drive my car anymore, not my problem, she will get mad and think I'm being spiteful. I don't know why this is so hard for me to wrap my head around. I see your point, I really do. And I want to be strong and gain respect. It just goes against all of my (apparently weakling) instincts and I'm clueless.