No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

All you did was, I guess, try to guilt her into something? Ive been there and done exactly the same thing, so Im not judging you.

You are completely right and I know I messed up. I should have known better and I was so close to going down the right path, but the wrong voice on my shoulder won out. I convinced myself this was my way to not be a wet noodle by not sitting around letting it happen, but of course, I know, all the wrong things. I am just trying not to beat myself up about and feel like all hope is lost from one mistake. I learned and won't make it again, that's all I can take from it I guess.

Question - if she were having an EA, would she tell you?
Question 2 - do you think she cares how you feel about it?

So, part of the reason I even thought this mattered is because it is a direct piece of the story that she left out. I would have hoped that if her getting giddy about someone else was a major reason for her sudden decision to want out, she would have at least been honest about that. But I know we all hope this, and I know very well why she didn't have the guts to say it. Like I said too, I think she could also be justifying it to herself that the two things are separate. I do think she cares that it would be extra hurtful to me (especially because she knows I just went through all of this with my mom and W talked endlessly about how messed up it was that she waited til there was someone else to actually end things with my dad). That just makes it harder for her to admit what's really going on. I think she cares how I feel, but obviously not more than she cares about her fantasy bubble.

You already know that whatever interaction she is having right now is inappropriate. You dont walk out of a movie several times to go text your friends. NOBODY is that attached to just random friends. So what was the new value in having this conversation?

Nothing. Just me feeling helpless and talking myself into something stupid.

To me, all it did was reinforce that you arent going to give her space while living together. How can you start to actually give her the space she is asking for?

This is exactly what it accomplished, and now I am paying for it. If I want her to trust me that I can live here and she can truly do whatever she wants, it has to be 100% no questions asked and my non-pursuit and detachment has to be air-tight. She already has major doubts about my ability to do that and now I just gave her an action that trumped my words.

So you told her about the problem, she did nothing, and now you are taking this on as your own? You really have to read Sandi's threads because now is a time when you need to exhibit incredible strength. She is going to push you as much as she can and if you show up as a noodly man like this, how can you ever gain back her respect? If she knows she can walk all over you, then why would anything ever change?

This is an issue I am still much less clear on. I have read Sandi's threads and I will reread them again everyday. I do NOT want to be the noodly man. I know that I have lost her respect. But if I want my car and to not be literally imprisoned in this house, and she seems unwilling to address her own car problems, what do I do? Tell her she simply can't use my car? I asked her again this morning what she planned to do about her car problems and she asked me if I had come up with a solution. I know this is her pushing. I just don't have an ultra clear map to follow on how to handle it. I want to 'exhibit incredible strength' and I know that I can, I just need to gain a clear understanding of what this entails and what it doesn't.