Gordie #18: still not divorced

[AndrewP]

Gordie - I don't know that I have much in the way of good advice but that's rarely stopped me before.

I remember what Jack wrote in one of the "sticky" threads here. He said that things don't end with a revelation, but with a whisper of doubt.

There's a few different narratives that we could look at. The first one, which both of us bought earlier on is that this is a MLC and is a process. job says it a whole lot better than I ever could, but in essence the person in crisis has to face their demons and purge themselves to heal. If she swings by she can perhaps give an opinion that is grounded on a whole lot more experience but I would think she would say that your wife hasn't dealt with her issues and may still be in replay.

The second one which is a tougher stand is that the person who cheated needs (again) to take full accountability for their actions and be willing to walk over hot coals to make it right. Part of this is that the person did their actions because at their core they are a selfish person and they need to unlearn that which is tough and rare.

Finally there's the whole "let's sweep this under the rug and never talk about it again" approach which I think many unfaithful spouses would prefer and is what most people do. Thinking about that more broadly, let's say that one of your kids did something stupid - if they expressed basic remorse and promised not to do it again you and I as parents would probably accept that. Because the consequences are out of proportion to the act there is less incentive for them to not do it again.

One other key thing here is to acknowledge your own hurt and how you are dealing with it. I hope you are continuing to get professional help along with perhaps support from friends and family. The way things are going right now, your W is not on a path to "make it up to you". That can mean that your own wounds if left buried will fester and poison you.

My own - barstool opinion - is that people don't fundamentally change who they are. We were willing to accept our spouses and the masks that they perhaps wore for many many years. We have sunk costs. But if someone behaved poorly and selfishly before, they will again unless they do the hard work to change who they are. This requires self-reflection usually aided by professional help. Suggesting that though may well backfire.

For me, I can't see my ex ever doing what would be necessary for me to trust her again. The last I saw of her, she is a very angry and selfish woman who feels that she is hard done by by the world. Thinking back over the last 30 years (it will have been 30 this fall), that is indeed who she is. For you, it seems different but it may be that your W has just put on the mask she was wearing before.

We can't force change on them. They have to want to change themselves and we have to choose if we accept the person they are.

Don't know if this helped. We're all amateurs here.

@TeamGordie