No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

So, if you think about it, you didn't push and I did, but the outcome seems to be the same.

This is interesting. I guess it makes me a feel a bit better like maybe it wouldn't have mattered either way. Ultimately, they are her goals and depend on her own motivation and confidence. If she can't find it in her to make them happen, no one else can do it for her and if they did, I can almost guarantee she would find some way to blame them and say she didn't really do it for herself. This is the main reason I haven't pushed any harder than I have.

Some of it, I think, has to do with self-love and self-worth. I don't think that either of them believes that they can do better or that they deserve better. Maybe things can change with enough love, care, and understanding. I don't know.

Bingo. I think you hit the nail on the head. I think this is a huge cause for their unhappiness. And having a partner who is happy with themselves, meeting goals, and being successful maybe just reminds them all the more. I don't really get it because in my mind, we are a team. If one of us wins, we both win and vice versa. I too feel like all I can give is love, care, and understanding. And I do. My patience is near endless, I can honestly say this is one of my greatest strengths. But I also realize we cannot save them. Again, they have to find a way to save themselves. I just hope I am at least offering a helping hand or supplying one extra tool to help the process along.


Update:

So, I might have screwed up, but I don't think I regret my choice (yet). After another night of incessant texting, and doing a lot of thinking and reading here, I decided to confront her about it last night. If there is some sort of EA and it's directly related to this whole mess, I decided that's a boundary for me and there is no reason I should just sit around watching it happen and wondering. I was calm, respectful, and direct. I simply said, "I've noticed you've been texting a lot lately; is there someone that's more than just a friend?" She said, "Nope, just talking to friends." I said, "Okay I believe you. Not accusing you at all. But it would hurt me a lot more later on to find out you weren't honest with me, so I had to ask." Again, she affirmed it was just friends and that was that.

Well, it seems I unleashed an ogre (stealing your word, Olya). This morning, she was downright pissy. She told me she was taking my car. Hers is leaking oil and "probably has none left". All of the sudden, she's decided it's undriveable. Remember, I told her about this problem last week and put more in for her. She said if it continued to leak she would take it in. Now, it seems to be my problem rather than hers. I said, well now I can't go to the gym. She blew up and said well then you tell me a solution right now because I have to go to work. I told her just go, she slammed the door and was gone.

She didn't come home til 9pm. Now technically she's on shift til midnight, but barring a mission coming down, she gets released at 6. There could have been something today, but there hasn't been one for a while. When she did come home, she did not acknowledge me or say hello. She told the dogs to shut up and immediately went to 'her room' and closed the door. Again, she eats nothing. The poor dogs have been waiting and watching for her all evening and she leaves them to cry at her door without so much as a hello/pet.

Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about the texting. But, I don't think I was in the wrong. I mean it's almost laughable! If she must hide in a closet and neglect all other areas of her life so that she can have her precious phone, then so be it. At least she knows it isn't going unnoticed and she can't play it off as normal anymore. I don't know whether she straight up lied or if she is justifying it to herself that her texting relationship isn't inappropriate. I could easily believe that there is nothing technically incriminating about the conversations. But if she can't sit through a 2hr movie or go to sleep until 5am because she must type away, something is not right.

The only reason I may regret it is because now I've made her choose between me and the phone (we all know who wins that battle). She probably will no longer be content to spend any time with me and text at the same time. I just don't know how much I really feel that's my loss.