We have friends from out of town visiting, very last minute so I didn't have any time to mentally prepare for their arrival. They have children very close in age to ours so it ended up being fairly smooth.
Tonight I get home and WH and I get in a flight while the visitors are out at the beach. I told WH I knew he was up to no-good on his phone again (found evidence he is, in the very least being inappropriate with another female at his work) and that he is an @[censored] and a bad father. He called me worthless and he only had sex with me out of pity in the past. Then he told me to die from the STD he gave me. There was more back and forth but that was really the worst of it. I told him I was done playing nice and wanted him out sooner rather than later. He left with DD7 and DS5 to take them to a play place and left the kids with me.
I've never thought of him as evil before but I think that may be an appropriate adjective now. Who tells the mother of his children to die from an STD he gave her? I have no idea who this monster is. My hands are still shaking and I think I may have to find a way to go completely dark after our divorce. I can use a parenting talk app to coordinate all our communication post divorce. I am not healthy when near him. I am seriously considering unleashing my 6'1 cousin on him and let him finally beat his @ss. He's been beggin for at least a year now to "make him finally cry."
Hi Sara,
I'm so sorry to read this. As if you are not going through enough right now that to have to deal with more disrespect and drama from him. Sigh. Your H seems to seriously lack introspection. Does this make him an actual narcissist? I am not the psychiatrist here, but it does seem that he is somehow unable to look at himself or inside himself. It seems in your sitch, the only time he has been able to change his behavior is when he finally accepted that yes, he could really lose you.
It seems tho, that with each time he realizes he is losing you, it takes him longer and longer to reach to that point. It's almost as if he becomes increasingly desensitized to the process. My thoughts are that this time, even though you are following through with the D process, it will yet again taken him even longer. Longer to realize he is losing you and longer to actually do something about it. He is somewhat predictable in my mind. This time, he may need to be living on his own for some months, or have another A that burns itself out, before realizing what he is missing and essentially ruining with you (and your family together).
Will you wait for that time? Or will you give him another chance I should say? My sense is you won't and you are serious this time. I see that you are reflecting on the past, what you want and deserve, and even grieving the loss of what could have been. That all sounds like the right and healthy path to me :-) So perhaps it is time to give up on getting any intel or reacting to what he is doing? Can you just assume that he is flirting, being inappropriate and attention seeking? Sometimes letting go of the mystery and accepting the worst helps. I just worry about your stress level and your heart (literally and figuratively!). You mentioned the fight with him started when you called him out on his behavior. Maybe in his mind that even fed his ego a bit (Sara still pays attention to me and cares) ...
If he does "change" his behavior and come back around, is it too late for you? Or maybe I should ask, when will it be too late for you? Like I said, he always does come back to you eventually, it just takes him longer and longer (and more and more action from you) to get there. And when he does come back, he does show you positive changes. Why don't they stick is the big question?
My concern is not if you will be okay, because you are so strong, intelligent and insightful, I have no doubt you will be fine, with or without him! My concern is what will happen when he finally does come back around this time. Because while his behavior changes, he doesn't actually do the hard work. It doesn't seem (yet) that he has really looked inside and been able to grow and make changes that are genuine and long lasting. I think you deserve that and so much more!
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
