[HelenaJ]

I am very sad. I’m also very angry. It’s hard to be kind but I know I need to try harder and I will. I just need to give myself some time to have these natural reactions....when someone hurts you, I really don’t think it’s normal to bounce right back to a place of kindness. It’s like someone smacking you in the face and then you asking what they’d like you to make for dinner tonight you know? I need some time.

Bad interaction this morning. I woke up to this text:
So apparently <son’s> track meeting is today. GREAT communication. You just continue to prove why I can’t trust you. That is just a horrible thing for you to do and I thought you could rise above it for your children but you can’t. I now know that I can’t trust you as a parent either. I will adjust. It just [censored].

You guys. The meeting is not today. He must have misunderstood something my son told him. At first I was calm and I was invoking Olya lol. Thinking ok, keep it simple. So I sent him a screen shot of the text conversation with the coach that JUST happened yesterday while he was out of town and the coach clearly said she’d be in touch to let me know when the meeting would be. I also said the following
If the meeting is today, that is news to me. Here is the last communication I received and it was just yesterday. I planned to let you know and have <son> write out his thoughts and points. The rest of the stuff you said is pretty much BS so I won’t bother addressing it. Actually, not pretty much, total. You’re doing a great job of rising above it by the way (eyeroll).

I should have just left it alone but I just got madder and madder. I went out and woke him up and told him everything I had just texted. At one point I said “poor you” and he said “I’m not the one being a victim here” and I said then why all the texts talking about heartbreaks and betrayals?? Such BS.”

This is a great example of why I should *not* have in person conversations with him, with the written word I am more careful. When I’m angry, stuff comes out of my mouth. This was probably a huge setback. Then I sent him this text

Ok you really got to me. My husband has told me our M is over bc of repeated betrayals (that I didn’t realize were happening...men vying for my attention?? I didn’t see it that way but I CAN see it that way and would have so gladly and willingly adjusted so that it never happened again) and it’s taken everything in me everyday since October to rise above it for our kids. Your pride and arrogance have destroyed our family which was the one golden thing we had and caused you to give up on a woman who loved you very deeply. You’ve REPEATEDLY blamed me for EVERYthing that has ever been wrong with this M but then on the flip side claim you’re not being a victim. You’ve completely destroyed not only my heart but my trust in you as well. The way you’ve treated me is damn near unforgivable and will have a lasting impact on me as a person. And now you’re coming at me as a Mother. So yeah, that got to me. It was like sacred territory. Or so I thought. It’s crushing.
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I know I said waaay too much. Ugh.