Nicole, I don't have any idea why she wouldn't want to file jointly and get a little extra money back, but in the long run, after talking to my lawyer, it's to my benefit to file separately.
Originally Posted By: NicoleR
It seems you're doing the right think by letting her go and not trying to reconcile at this point, but it's just too bad your wife doesn't want to put in the hard work to get her act together, save the marriage, and make her life better. You have no control over that. You seem to be doing what's fair financially and cooperating well. All of your actions sound appropriate.
The nice thing about time and distance is it's helped me realize I don't want to be married to the woman my wife became any more. That realization makes it a lot easier to let go. I'm not saying "easy", but "easier". I still have times that I wish things were different.
I'm still trying to do right by her, and be fair, because, after all, I have to live with myself afterward. I appreciate that you think my actions sound appropriate.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
The nice thing about time and distance is it's helped me realize I don't want to be married to the woman my wife became any more. That realization makes it a lot easier to let go. I'm not saying "easy", but "easier". I still have times that I wish things were different.
Jim just want to point out that these two things ARE mutually exclusive. Not wanting to be married to who she has become, and wishing things were different are harmonious. Wishing she hadn't become what she has become is natural. I applaud you for realizing that you don't like who she has become. So many of us get into denial and want to think we are still dealing with the girl that we married.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Jim, hopefully when everything is done and settles down your wife will appreciate your fairness and will start to better see her own role. Someday she must reconsider at least once or twice. Like, "Did I make the right decision? Am I really happier now that Jim is gone?" Not that you're waiting for that to happen, but it's always nice to be optimistic and think your original wife is hiding in there somewhere.
Jim, hopefully when everything is done and settles down your wife will appreciate your fairness and will start to better see her own role. Someday she must reconsider at least once or twice. Like, "Did I make the right decision? Am I really happier now that Jim is gone?" Not that you're waiting for that to happen, but it's always nice to be optimistic and think your original wife is hiding in there somewhere.
It would be nice to think she appreciates my fairness, that she might reconsider, and the "real" W is in there somewhere, but I'm not holding my breath. I'm not sure why, but complete detachment seems harder for me than for many on this forum, and I think it's because I'm holding onto the hope that what you say is true. I think it makes the whole process harder. I think you might be dealing with the same problem.
A new issue I'm dealing with is my D16 lying to me about completing her homework. When I confronted her about it, she said "How else will I get to do what I want to do?" As you can imagine, that didn't go over well. The problem is that an hour afterwards, it was time to go over to W's house. I told W about it and what I thought should be done, punishments, etc., but doubt she'll follow through.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
I got a separation proposal from her lawyer today. I'm strangely ambivalent about it. I guess I've started thinking about this as the end of a business arrangement. The fact that that is how I am feeling kind of makes me sad. Strange, isn't it?
The proposal is pretty straightforward, and doesn't have much I feel like arguing over. I made one quick comment at the end of last week, and 55/45 split easily became 50/50. There's a minor issue of a shifted decimal point; it says I have 10X more savings bonds that I actually do, but that will be easy to fix, I think. Some other small issues, but I'm optimistic it should be relatively easy.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Not much to say about the lawyer visit. He answered some questions I had, changed things in her proposal that I asked him to change, agreed that some things her lawyer put in didn't really make sense, and will change those passages.... He wants me to come up with current values of assets, so that will take a few days to get together.
All in all, I think this is going to cost us at least twice as much as if she would have agreed to use a mediator. Not that it's contentious, there are just a lot of pieces that could have easily been worked out between us, rather than going back and forth between our lawyers. Oh, well, it's only money.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, it would have been nice to save money but it's good you have a positive outlook on how the paperwork is being handled. I'm sure the lawyers appreciate the business! I see it's been almost a year since your wife moved out. How do you feel about that?
