First post, need someone to listen

[lcause]

Almost assuredly there is no other path than divorce. She has labeled me "abusive". While it's never been physical, I've been controlling and coercive. What is there to save?

There is nothing to save but a possible better and new relationship to gain. Notice the key word in your paragraph: been. You are seemingly working on the traits you don't like about yourself, so stop projecting your past mistakes to your possible future. When BD happens, there is nothing to go back to but something new to be built. You can change and you will if you do the work. Vast majority of people live through their life with a fixed mindset: I was born like this and these traits are my inherent qualities. You have already noticed that a growth mindset (have been but can change/can learn) is a much more healthier option. Believe in yourself and the best advice that you will ever receive is what people really often mention in here: be the spouse only a fool would leave. This guarantees your future relationships to be bright.

No one can around me can give me any good advice. They say to talk to her, text her, try and have a straight up conversation. It's not happening, she won't let it.

Best advice is to detach and work on yourself. There is nothing you can show and words do not mean anything. Actions do, and over a substantial time period. Her feelings are raw and she is in defensive mode to guard her own emotions.

So, what do I do? File first? I feel like I should do it, because that's what she wants and feels is best for her life. I also feel like I'm getting blame still for unhappiness.

What does being divorced help in this situation? What if you stopped the mindreading and let her file if that's what she wants. You are not ready to do it yet.

Since she completely refuses to talk to me, I guess there is no hope?

There is always hope. Let time do its thing. Don't let your pessimistic thoughts to prevent you from truly reaching the goals you have set for yourself. I did this way too long and I regret it, even though I believe I'm living in the present and my history does not matter. I have seen stories of similar cases end up being reconciled and result in much more happy marriages. Be realistic, however, and work on to be in a mindset where you don't care which ever path your story eventually unveils.