Gordie #18: still not divorced

[Gordie]

Journaling:

So cali’s words have been haunting me.

I’ve been asking myself if I really want this to work? I’ve been asking myself do I still love this woman? Do I still want to spend the rest of my life with her, not the woman she was but the woman she is now? And if so, am I trying to punish her and push her away?

And in hindsight, I’ve been wanting her show her remorse in the way I expected. But she did so in the way I didn’t expect. On that night in December when I just let out all my anger and rage and pushed her away (emotionally not physically) and wouldn’t let her touch me, it was then that she apologized and curled up in a ball on the floor sobbing. And after that, it was when she dropped OM2 and the D.

But it hasn’t been enough for me. I want her to be more sorry. I’ve been avoiding her touch.

Well, I think I need to change. I put the ring back on. I feel like I need to recommit myself to this M. I’ve got to slowly open myself up more to her or I’m going to lose this second chance that I have. Yes, keep going slowly and with full knowledge I may get burned again, badly. But it’s a risk I’m willing to take.