No affair, no feelings...is there hope?

[44tries]

Do you ever think that you working on your Master's degree is making her feel insecure?

Your wife might feel smart and experienced and sophisticated around these 18-year-old kids in a way that she does not feel around you.

All the time. I know she respects and admires me because I am smart, educated, and I aim high with my goals and values. Undoubtedly, these are things she desires in a partner. But, I also know that I often make her feel overshadowed simply by being me. She doesn't tell me how smart she thinks I am. But when I'm not around, she brags about to me everyone who will listen. While I'm flattered, this hurts me deeply for two reasons. One, I wish she would be willing to tell me how much she thinks of me rather than just leave it unsaid and understood. There is a sort of 'competitiveness' that I don't really understand or think should be there. But, two, knowing that I contribute in any way to her feeling bad about herself just kills me. I don't want her to feel threatened or like she can't measure up. I think the world of her and accept her just as she is; the fact that she doesn't have the same educational background or opportunity that I did has no bearing on her intelligence or capability. Somehow, I have failed to build her up and let her truly feel that I think she is every bit as great as I do.

Part of it is her own internal struggle, too. She wants to aim high and achieve big things, and at times she feels that she can. Other times, I get the feeling she feels out of place and like she doesn't really have any business climbing that ladder. It's sort of exemplified in her behavior now, like she's saying screw it to quitting smoking, staying on budget, being responsible. She gets this attitude like "this is me, if you don't like it GTFO". But of course, that isn't who she wants to be.

I hadn't really considered whether she might feel resentful for paying the bills while I work toward my goals. I am very aware of it and make sure I do my part to support the household and take a lot of the daily stress off of her. But, it's actually frustrating because sometimes I feel like she forgets/doesn't care that I am a full time student. If she comes home and the house isn't perfect, she might question me what did I do today? She really doesn't cut me any slack or acknowledge that my assignment deadline might have been a little more pressing than vacuuming the couch. I have adjusted though, and I make sure that even if I have a very busy day, I take at least a half hour before she comes home to straighten up and do some obvious chores that will eliminate the thought that I just neglected the house.

I don't know whether she has any worry about me leaving her in the future. I would certainly hope not, but the logic makes sense. Going back to what I wrote to Sandi, though, I'm not even sure if this is something she would think about. I guess there's a chance she is more worried whether she will ever be able to get rid of me if she truly feels that trapped in the marriage.